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Showing posts from June 2, 2013

ReFuckingSult

Me Dad just dropped a full packet of tandoori chicken wings when he opened the fridge, the soft fat get. So what's a boy to do when presented with an opportunity like that? Eat the fucking lot as fast as possible that's what. Tandoori marinade all over me whiskers now, so I can enjoy a bit more of it later. They say that chicken bones are bad for dogs apparently, that's bollocks, we eat all sorts of shit, literally in my case. You've got to eat a tonne of shit before you die, they also say. That's bollocks as well, I eat a tonne of shit most days. Woof.

The Duke of Edinburgh

Doesn't look well does he? I for one will be surprised if he makes it to Christmas. Apparently he's not even Scottish, I mean how can the Duke of Edinburgh NOT be Scottish? You'll be telling me that the Queen's part fucking German next. God bless her royal Ma'amness. Have you seen them new Coca Cola bottles with peoples names on them? I went to the paper shop with me Dad yesterday and there was a bloke in there frantically searching through all of them for one with his wife's name on it, but when he couldn't find one he just got her a KitKat Chunky instead. It's a good job me iPad does spell check 'cos that just came out as a KitKat Chinky! I mean she may have been Chinese for all I know. Well, I say may have been, I assume that if she WAS Chinese then she probably still IS Chinese. If she is Chinese then do you suppose he said to her on their wedding night "how do you fancy a 69, love?" to which she replied "no chance, you know I hate...

Theo Walcott

Watching the match on the telly with me Dad last night it suddenly occurred to me that Theo Walcott is an anagram of "Don't give the fucking ball to me if you ever want to see it again" - has anyone else ever noticed that? Also Phil Jones is an anagram of "way out of my depth" and James Milner works out as "I'm shite" - coincidence? I think not. I got to spend the weekend in Stalag 45 again whilst they all swanned off to London, the tight bastards. Still at least I didn't have to sit next to the annoying American family on the train who's baby screamed it head off all the way home whilst their other two annoying brats, Chip and Chuck, played some Septic card game with far too much zeal for me Dad's liking. "Skip a turn, skip a turn...hahahaha...eat my shit you mutha." A charming turn of phrase for a six year old. I can only assume Chip was named after his munter of a mother's favourite food, and wee ginger-haired Chuck (th...