The bastards have all buggered off to work, or school, or wherever the fuck it is that they go, leaving me on me Jack Jones once more. Still, at least they've left the TV remote control within easy reach. So here I am watching old re-runs of Antiques Roadshow from the settee, whist eating cheesey nibblets. Don't you hate it on Antiques Roadshow when people bring in any old shit, expecting to get a mega value on it because it has some un-provable "provenance" I think they call it. "Yes, Fiona, it might just look like a piece of old chewwy to you, but I picked this up outside The Cavern Club in 1960, just after John Lennon gobbed it into the gutter." Or, "My Mum's next door neighbour's sister used to work at Buckingham Palace at the time of the Royal Wedding between Charles and Diana. Well, Charles came home bladdered the night before the wedding, having gone out on his stag night with his brothers, Andrew and the other one. Drunk as a skunk he was. And that dishcloth you see there was used to mop up his gin-laced vomit off the carpet in the Great Hall. And look, one of the Queen Mother's false teeth! That fell out when she was eating a cucumber sandwich whilst at Royal Ascot one year. Yes, it is quite brown isn't it. Ah, yes, now that bar of soap isn't just any old bar of soap. Lady Diana herself once used that, look you can still see a couple of the Royal pubes stuck to it. Ah, I was wondering when you were going to come onto that. That, my love, is an authentic piece of Royal bog roll, rescued from being flushed down the pan by my Mum's next door neighbour's sister, who dried it out carefully between two tea towels and kept it hidden in the back of the wardrobe until this morning. See that long brown stain...that came from Her Majesty's own arse, complete with bum hairs and everything." To which Fiona, agog, says "Well, it's certainly a unique collection. I'll given you fifty bags of sand for it right here and now." To which the lady replies "Booked. It's a pleasure doing business with you. Could I interest you in Charles Darwin's iPad? Hardly been used."
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.