Denies that he once "touched up" Vanessa Feltz, he says he simply thought he was sedating a hippo on Animal Hospital. Talking of Rolf, or "rolfing" to be more precise, I got into the teenager's bedroom at he weekend. A rare event indeed for the door top be open, and what a fucking mess that was/is. I can see why she keeps the door shut and the blinds closed now. I just thought she was a fucking vampire. Have you ever seen one of those compulsive hoarders programmes on the telly? Where they keep all the old TV Times's from the 60's to the present day, grandma's old clothes, the engine from a washing machine that died in 1974, and that useful collection of odd socks? Shite all over the carpet, or the "floordrobe" as me Mum and Dad wittily call it. Still, in among that shite was some chocolate. I say was, as I obviously saw it as my duty to help clean things up a little. Well, when I say clean, "redistribute" is possibly a better word to use, as around an half an hour later the chocolate and my tea were spread all over the hall carpet. There's a reason that they say "never give a dog chocolate" you know. So what's a clean living boy like me to do? That's right, attempt to eat it all up again before anybody notices whilst they are all watch Le Tour D'Wank in the lounge. It didn't taste too good the second time around I have to say, so I decided to "redistribute" it again in the kitchen. That sorted me out a treat.
