Postman Pat is thirty today, according to the Guardian. Which I guess means that Jess the cat is thirty too, that's thirty as well, not 32. That's a ripe old Guinness Book of Records age for a cat. Get me Norris MuckSquirter on line two. You don't see them on the telly any more do you? I think still in his prime Pat is on strike over his pension contributions, whilst an aged and feeble Jess has withdrawn from the celebrity limelight and spends most of her day pissing on her owners lap in a retirement bungalow in Brighton. Think of someone like Barbra Cartland gently stroking her incontinent pussy down on the pier. Pooh count: a monster six, yes six, Norris MuckSquirter could have two new records quite literally on his hands by the end of the day.
Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...