Postman Pat is thirty today, according to the Guardian. Which I guess means that Jess the cat is thirty too, that's thirty as well, not 32. That's a ripe old Guinness Book of Records age for a cat. Get me Norris MuckSquirter on line two. You don't see them on the telly any more do you? I think still in his prime Pat is on strike over his pension contributions, whilst an aged and feeble Jess has withdrawn from the celebrity limelight and spends most of her day pissing on her owners lap in a retirement bungalow in Brighton. Think of someone like Barbra Cartland gently stroking her incontinent pussy down on the pier. Pooh count: a monster six, yes six, Norris MuckSquirter could have two new records quite literally on his hands by the end of the day.
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.