The Grim Reaper has been round again, this time picking up Speedy the hamster. The pets in this place are deserting faster than advertisers at the News of the World at the moment. "Leave her outside for the cats," was me Dad's cruel suggestion. Followed by "OK then, let's tie her to a bit of string and whirl her around our heads to see if we can attract one of those Red Kites that keep flying over." The heartless bastard, I think he watched Kes on Film4 the other night. Me Mum held a simple but moving ceremony at the bottom of the garden and tucked Speedy up for the last time under the Acer, next to Stanley the cross-dressing guinea pig. I hope that the cats don't keep digging her up as we didn't have a spare shoebox handy to put her in. She's gone in "au naturale" as they say. That's it then, just three pets left. Gizmo the hamster, looks a bit frail he does, about 4 or 5 he is which is 180 in human terms I think. Then there's Muff the guinea pig, we had a scare with her the other week but she seems to have got over it. She's about 6, which is also getting on a bit. Every cloud though, think of all the money we will save on cucumbers when they've both gone....
Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...