.... a terrier with Tourettes

In yet further proof that the world has gone mad, Peppa Pig has been blasted by the metropolitan liberal elite for being sexist. What's wrong with being sexy [Ed: it's sexIST].

Anyways ... The makers of children’s cartoons Peppa Pig and Fireman Sam have been accused of sexism by firefighters.

London Fire Brigade has blasted the kids’ shows for using “stereotypical gender specific wording”.

Such as ? Well fireman for a kick off. This is despite the fact that the show - Fireman Sam - has been on TV with that title since 1987. Apparently it's now wrong to use the term 'fireman'.

What do we need to replace it with?

Fireperson? Nope that's got the word 'son' in it which is obviously reinforcing a male stereotype.
Firewoman? Nope that's also got the word 'man' in it, as per above
Them? Nope, that's got the word 'he' in the middle

It's got to be something that celebrates the sexual diversity of the London Fire Brigade.

I don't know about you; but when the fuckin' house goes up in flames I want someone round pronto who can batter the door down with a sledgehammer; not some demi-tart who'll moan about it being 'too hot' inside.

Here's a picture to prove the worlds gone mad, is it a woman, is it a bloke, or is it hedging its bets and being fifty/fifty?  Sam or Samantha? I honestly can't tell. Just wearing nail varnish isn't enough luv!

Firetran Sam, Firestran Sam
She says she's a girl, but she looks like a man.
Early in the morning, just as day is dawning
Firetran Sams still yawning

So your house is up in flames
But hey - don't call me names.
I'm entitled to be a fireman/woman/person/fighter/operative too.
Under the EU's LGBT Fundamental Rights Act.

etc. Woof !

Shit; I can't remember if I left the oven on !

Woof ! 

Spot the racist shoe ... yep apparently even shoes can now be racist. Everyone's copping for it - Katy Perry (and quote rightly), Gucci.

Katy Perry withdrew a range of fashion shoes on the basis they had a black face. Why not withdraw them on the basis the entire shoe range looked bonkers?

I mean have you ever seen anything a stupid in your life as a shoe with a face on it? Nope me neither.

Here's another racist shoe. Why is it racist? Well it's yellow and has slits in it obviously, so it's a thinly veiled pop at the Chinese.

Here's another shoe - but this is sexist this time.

It could be banned on the basis that's it derogatory to the LGBT community. No one's bothered that you could break your fuckin' neck wearing them. What are the chances of falling over in a pair of them, pretty high I'd say. I think Health & Safety need to have a word.

It's -ism gone mad, Woof !

So farewell then Keith Flint. I wonder what they'll play at his cremation?

Woof !

My Uncle says this Brexit Bollocks is still rumbling on.

As long as it doesn't affect any of the following; then I couldn't give a monkeys.

(A) Imports of pigs ears ... or
(B) The number of hours I can legally spend lolling about on the dog bed ... or
(C) Tariffs on dog biscuits.

They do say foreigners may have to go back to where they came from, which makes me wonder where Tommy's from? He might be here illegally, or he could have overstayed his visa. He fuckin' overstayed his welcome as far as I'm concerned. Get the bastard out; and while we're at it let's get rid of some French Poodles; German Shepherds and Great Danes.


Why is being married like being in a witness protection program?

One, you have to change house frequently, moving further and further away from your home base each time.

Two. You have to change all your clothes and your appearance.

Three. You must sever all forms of contact with your past friends and associates.


Never mind Brexit, what about Rex-it? My sources tell me that after the 29th of March it will cost £90 for a pet to go anywhere in Europe.

I know it's a moot point - seeing as my chances of going on holiday anywhere - let alone Europe are minimal. I haven't even been to fuckin' Knaresborough recently, so there's no chance of a 'soiree a la France' for me.

Me Mum's not rushing to get me a passport for my jollies either - is she! She's been to the Seychelles, the Maldives and all points east. The furthest I venture these days is Stalag Luft 45 - aka the Kennels - with that loopy, bum-sniffing Tommy for company. Next thing I know, I'm feeling a stray paw on my nether regions. All I can say is - I won't bend down to eat my breakfast whilst he's about.

I blame Nigel Farage. I bet his poodle - Trixie Belle - is spoiled rotten with truffles on a fluffy pillow for her dinner. I just get whatever scraps are lying around.


I see our cousins Down Under have been having a bit of a heat wave.

As Monty Python famously once said - "Strewth Bruce; it's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here". With temperatures soaring as high as 50 degrees centigrade who can blame them for repeating that.

I've checked things out - and here are some top tips to keep your pooch safe.
  1. Provide an ice pack or wet towel for them to lay on.
  2. Add ice cubes to their water dish.
  3. Get the kids' paddling pool out. Then fill it with shallow, cool water.
  4. Offer access in the shade by stringing up a tarpaulin or cloth over a tree.
  5. Take a collapsible water dish on your walks.
Sounds fuckin' great. Yes I'd like an ice pack to keep my mutts' nuts at optimum temperature. We don't want them over heating do we? No we don't thank you very much!

Ice cubes in my water bowl? Yes, but make sure it's the good stuff like Evian bottled water, None of that Yorkshire Water shite from the tap!

Get the kids paddling pool out why not. Then I can cool off - and pop one off - at the same time. Don't mind the floaters, or that yellow tinge to the water.

Finally my own shady hammock would be much appreciated. You know I'm worth it - woof!

Just a quick joke for you.

Husband: "I've heard the milkman boast that he's shagged every woman in the street - apart from one!

Wife: "I'll bet it's that stuck up bitch at number seven !!".

Woof !

Kinder Surprise

5 Dec 2018

Fuck me ragged ... are the no depths to which humanity will not stoop?

The Liverpool Echo has been carrying a report about a "'Highly intelligent' drug dealer who hid a Kinder Egg up his bum for a Music Festival". The egg contained a drug called MDMA.

The 21-year-old offender reportedly had a bag with two yellow tablets and a further 48 tablets, concealed in the Kinder Egg - which he then put in his anal cavity. I hope he wore Marigold gloves for that!

It certainly brings a new meaning to the phrase - Kinder Surprise. How intelligent can you be if you put Class A drugs in a Kinder Egg container and then shove it up your bum? Then you're hoping to sell the contents to idiots at a Music Festival.

I suppose the numptys at these Festivals ain't too bright - and think the aroma is part of the attraction. Yeah; this is really good shit man ... yep that's more correct than you know! Woof!


Jewers Grain Thomas Bell

Diamond Fertlisers Chummy

Now then soft lad

Now then soft lad

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