.... a terrier with Tourettes

It's my uncle's misfortune to spend large parts of the week on the highways and byways of the UK.

Nothing irritates him more than so called smart motorway signs.

Example: as seen on a journey home recently

Matrix sign "A520 closed after the A50."

Yeah like right I immediately know where the A520 is.

They've got all the letters and numbers to play with, so what's wrong with "slip road closed at Middleton,"

I tell you - that would fuckin' helpful that's what wrong with it.

You're pootling along and a sign says congestion next junction. Congestion, that sounds mildly irritating but not worth turning off for. As soon get past the "Congestion" sign AND the junction where you could have back tracked; what does the next sign tell you.

Yep; congestion is now "Longgg delays 4 hours". Fuck me tell me what are they thinking.


Spotted Dick ..

28 Jun 2018

Spotted dick has long been a source of amusement for diners – but now seems to be so much so that waiters in the Houses of Parliament dare not say the name of the pudding out loud.

The Daily Telegraph has learnt that staff working in Strangers’ Dining Room, the 19th-century restaurant used by MPs to entertain guests, have resorted to using the name “Spotted Richard” in order to spare the clientele their blushes.

Fuck me it's political correctness gone mad.

What next?

Spotted Dick = Spotted Richard
Brown Sauce = Ethnically-diverse sauce
Black Pudding = POBO (Pudding of Black Origin)
BLT Sandwich = LGBT Sandwich

Stop the world I want to get off - woof.

Fuck me I've been listening to the BBC again - I know I shouldn't cos it's a wind-up every time.

Some nonce has just been on saying ready made dog food is BAD - and we doggies need GOOD food that is home-cooked.

They then proceeded to test their home cooked recipes on some poor unsuspecting mutts. First off was something that contained Turkey, Quinoa and Kale that had been blow dried.

What the fuck is Quinoa? or Keenwah as the bloke pronounced it. Bollocks to that.

My doggy needs are simple: -

1. Meat.
2. Gravy.
3. Peas ... I fuckin' love peas.

That's it. Of course if I'm out and about in the park I'm not averse to a spot of 'al fresco' dining.

I don't mind the odd bit of foraging either; like that bloke Hugh Fearnley Whatsinstore.

A choice bit of manure or horse d'oeuvres as I like to call it. Follow that up by some cool, long, grass in a bird crap coulis - it goes down a treat. Of course it might come out a bit runny at the other end - but hey that's not my problem is it?

Woof .

I see Poundland - aka the chav's House of Fraser has gone into administration. A spokesman said it was "due to a difficult High Street and tough market conditions. Poundland also blamed competition from discounters.

Fuck me ... who the hell can undercut Poundland? The shop where you can buy a complete set of steak knives plus a BBQ grill for just £1.

Is it "50p-world"? Or perhaps it's "get the two p's from the back of the sofa dot co dot uk" who can sell stuff cheaper than Poundland?

I know it must be that bloke from Liverpool from a bygone age - "five blades for two bob".

We must really be in the shit now - if shops like Poundland, Bargain Booze and Maplins have bit the dust.

I blame Brexit. Woof.

Either that or it was selling charcoal fucking toothpaste.

A Beaver Deceiver

8 May 2018

Hey - I know what you're thinking.

Am I banging on about Donald Trump again with a headline like Beaver Deceiver?
Or ... is it just a cheap way to get yet more schoolboy humour onto the Blog?

Actually I'm being environment friendly.

Flow devices -aka beaver deceivers - are man-made solutions to beaver-related flooding problems. Traditional solutions have involved the trapping and removal of all the beavers in an area. While this is sometimes necessary, it is typically a short-lived solution, as beaver populations have made a remarkable comeback in the United States.

I must admit I have been experiencing beaver-related problems myself, and if beaver's have made a remarkable comeback in many areas - then it's news to me ! Woof.

I think we're all agreed that more beavers are only to be encouraged.

A beaver deceiver isn't something dreamt up by Mr Trump's lawyers - oh no. It's something that allows them to go about their daily beavering activities without blocking up the drains or the soil pipe from your toilet.

If you want to know more about Beaver Bafflers or other Beaver mitigation strategies then click here.

Woof - or should that be Squeek?

I'm not entirely sure what sound a beaver makes!

Cold Spoon Murphy ...

23 Apr 2018

My dad used to recount the tale of a school medical, that took place somewhere between 1970 and 1975.

It consisted of stripping down to your undies, running around in the gym, and then coughing - while the doctor examined you.

The school nurse was also in attendance. One young lad got a bit over-excited; so the school nurse quickly produced a cold spoon. She then uttered the classic line - "take that away - and go and calm yourself down !".

From that day on, the poor lad was forever known as "Cold Spoon Murphy".


Sheriff Donald J Trump walks into a bar in Laredo, Southern Texas - close to the Mexican border.

He spits on the bar, places his gun and holster down - and says - "gimme a shot of red eye".

The bartender does as he's told; and then glances down at the gun. It has 7 notches carved into it.

"Hey senor- what's with the 7 notches on your gun"?

Trump says - "well I shot five Mexican's last week. "So ... that's a notch for each one of 'em".

Bartender pausing: "well ... what are the other notches for?"

Trump: "well, see... they're bonus notches!". "Adios amigo".


Fucking phone calls

27 Mar 2018

Hey guess what - as well as hating fucking passwords, me dad hated automated voice systems too.

Welcome to the WeDontGiveAShit Insurance helpline, to start off please type in your 16 digit account code followed by the hash key.

Panics, finds number on a piece of paper, types 4 9 2 9 4 2 9 1 6 1 0 0 1 6 6 6 slowly.

Sorry that account code is not recognised, did you forget the hash key? Please try again.

Oh fuck I did that wrong it ends in 10 66 not 16 66, types number in again, followed by the # key.

Press 1 for inquiries, 2 for claims, 3 for whatever and 4 for fuck knows. For all other inquiries please hold.

Presses 2.

Great, Press 1 for a new claim, and 2 for an existing claim.

Presses 2 again.

Moronic music plays.

I'm Bored shit less already.

OK, you are 4th in the queue, please hold. Moronic music starts on repeat.

Still bored shit less; my patience is running out.

OK, now enter your date of birth followed by the hash key.

Types 26 03 1961 and then #.

Please hold you're next in the queue, moronic music resumes.

I'm really getting fucked off now.

Suddenly - Hi I'm Ted, can I help you?

Amazed! Yes, I want to check on my claim for my car being written off.

No problem .... can I have your 16 digit account code?

You want my 16 digit account code? Is that the same one that I typed in about half a bastard hour ago?

Yep; that's the one.

Sorry maybe it's just me. But I'm missing something here. Your system asked me to type in my account code, which I did, and then the first fucking question you ask me is - what's my account code. What is the fucking point of you asking for it; and ME typing it in, IF you have got no fucking intention of using it?

I'm sorry sir it's our systems, they are a bit slow today.

No shit Sherlock. Well write this down, my fucking account code is 4 9 2 9 4 2 9 1 6 1 0 0 1 0 6 6 - do you want the bastard hash key as well?

Very witty sir, but no that's fine. I just need your date of birth as well.

Are you taking the piss or what!

No sir I need your date of birth, and also for security can you tell me the name of your first pet - and the VIN number stamped on the vehicle?

Right smart arse, it is 26 03 1961, Snowy the rabbit, and V Z 7 3 6 3 7 1 9 1 2 9 1.

Ah ... I can see you bought the policy from TossItOff Insurance.


Well, they merged with WeDontGiveAShit Insurance last year; their records are in a different system.


In a different department.


In a different office, with a different phone number.

Fuck me ragged.

And they're in a different time zone in Outer Mongolia, all their offices are closed right now.

Headbutts wall; smashes phone into tiny pieces.

They're dropping like flies.

Farewell Sir Ken Dodd - at the grand old age of 90.

He famously had a few accounting issues with HMRC - to which he replied that 'he had invented self assessment' - woof.

Then Jim Bowen, followed by Steven Hawking. My Dad once made up a poem about him.

There was a man, Dr Steven Hawking.
Who sadly had to give up walking.
On his mobile scooter.
Attached to a computer.
Lucky for him, it could do all the talking !


Stormy in a D-Cup

13 Mar 2018

I see President Trump's lawyer has wired 130,000 US Dollars to former porn actress Stormy Daniels. Nothing suspicious about that - I mean - who hasn't paid off a porn actress with 130,000 dollars in their time?

130,000 dollars is perfectly reasonable expenses for a light lunch and a can of peas. [Editors note - it's pronounced canapes] which I am sure was what it was. Nothing dodgy, oh No!.

In 2005 he was quoted saying, I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.

Considering some of the gymnastic activities that Ms Daniels has been involved in; I think a full protection suit might be in order mate. Hey, it's the President, he's losing woof, or should that be wood? This is a code red, Jason Bourne style national security situation - quick, get some Tic Tacs!

Note: This isn't Harvey Weinstein I'm talking about, this is Donald Trump. This man is the actual fucking President of the actual fucking United States. It's not me making stuff up.

PS: Here's a short list of just some of Ms Daniels films.

Perky and Punctual. I hope Pinky and Perky weren't involved in that.
Sex Door Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours!
and ... Operation Desert Stormy.

Woof !


Jewers Grain Thomas Bell

Diamond Fertlisers Chummy

Cold Spoon Murphy

Cold Spoon Murphy

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