.... a terrier with Tourettes

Stormy in a D-Cup

13 Mar 2018

I see President Trump's lawyer has wired 130,000 US Dollars to former porn actress Stormy Daniels. Nothing suspicious about that - I mean - who hasn't paid off a porn actress with 130,000 dollars in their time?

130,000 dollars is perfectly reasonable expenses for a light lunch and a can of peas. [Editors note - it's pronounced canapes] which I am sure was what it was. Nothing dodgy, oh No!.

In 2005 he was quoted saying, I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.

Considering some of the gymnastic activities that Ms Daniels has been involved in; I think a full protection suit might be in order mate. Hey, it's the President, he's losing woof, or should that be wood? This is a code red, Jason Bourne style national security situation - quick, get some Tic Tacs!

Note: This isn't Harvey Weinstein I'm talking about, this is Donald Trump. This man is the actual fucking President of the actual fucking United States. It's not me making stuff up.

PS: Here's a short list of just some of Ms Daniels films.

Perky and Punctual. I hope Pinky and Perky weren't involved in that.
Sex Door Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours!
and ... Operation Desert Stormy.

Woof !

Bloody hell, am I on the ball - or what?

As soon as I type something or I even just think it - then fuck me - it comes true.

No sooner had I spotted two gay penguins were having a chick, then fellow chum and diver Tom Daley announced he was having a baby too. Why didn't they adopt a chick from Malawi like Madonna would do? OK I know there are no fucking penguins in Malawi, but you get my point.

Then I mentioned Jordan tattooing her minge; and lo and behold she appears in the glossy mags as part of a cheap publicity stunt.

Just to top it off I mention my contacts in Russia and it all kicks off over there as well. I can't say too much obviously - but I won't be going to Salisbury any time soon.

On the other hand - Knocker boy, do you fancy a day trip?


Bollocks. My Uncle has only gone a built me an Amazon Echo skill, so you can keep right up to date with my daily doggy capers. Woo hoo - I'm high tech. Just say 'what's my flash briefing' and away we go.

Trouble is the bastards have what they call - a certification process. Bloody censorship is what it is, they've blackballed me on the basis of the occasional expletive.

If they're so fuckin' family friendly how come I can say - "play me Stormzy" - and it'll happily play back a song full of F-words; or even worse - without a murmur. At least my fucking swear words are bleeped out. As Mr Stormzy is a champion of the underprivileged - I wonder if he'd write a song about the injustice of my situation?

To help him on his way, I've sent him some lyrics like them rap fellers Scoopy Dog, or that Dizzie Rascal might write.

Walkin' round Jacob Smith's with my bitches.

Having a crap on their football pitches.

Hey Mr Goalkeeper ain't you brave.

Dive into my shit - when you make a save.

Establishment people - I got news for you.

I've just done, a very runny poo.

The only thing solid 'bout me - is my Crew.

Yo Mother ! Woof !

It's a lovely day

27 Feb 2018

Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its Bill Withers!

Have a lovely day - woof !

NFU Conference 2018

21 Feb 2018

In a bold attempt to move with the times I see the National Farmers Union has appointed it's first ever female President - Minette Batters.

Good job her first name is MINETTE and not FANNY ! Woof.

Minette has founded various farming initiatives - such as ‘Ladies in Beef’ - and the ‘Great British Beef Week’. They both sound like the sort of thing that would catch Boris Johnson's attention. Talking of Boris, I see his ex - Michael Gove - received a warm hand on his entrance to the NFU Conference this week. Amazingly he came up with a half sensible suggestion, which was something to do with making the "inspection regime" for farmers simpler, and less bureaucratic.

That's tough for a doggy with a short attention span to wrap his head around, but as long as I can be off the lead, worrying a few sheep - then I'll be as sound as a pound. Apparently it'll be investigated by Dame Glenys Stacey - as part of an extensive and rigorous review. My Uncle says that's a recipe for years of wasted navel gazing by civil servants; so don't hold your breath for the results.

Michael Gove also said farmers should get rewarded for how much use their land gets - by say - ramblers, campers and the like, rather than getting paid for just owning the land.


Gypsy Creams

20 Feb 2018

Well - fuck me ragged - Channel 5 has just had on - one of the crappiest, low-budget, most banal TV programs it's ever been my misfortune to see. Just when I think TV can't get any worse up pops this pile of shite.

It features quote - "Celebrities" - waxing lyrical about their favourite biscuit. I'm sure they did the show for their deep rooted love of digestives and not for the cash - yep right.

I was just dozing on the sofa and it was already on. Give it a go I thought; I mean, I love bikkies, so it should have been a winner. Well, there were no fucking dog biscuits on it at all - so that got my dander up for a kick-off. And who are these people on the show? I've never heard of 'em. I've never seen 'em on anything. I genuinely have no idea who they are. I bet not even their Mum's know they're a celebrity.

My uncle tells me when he was a lad his favourite biscuit was called - Gypsy Creams. He loved eating them as a treat when visiting his gran. BIG TIP HERE: don't try Googling "Gypsy Creams" -you'll get all sorts of images back. Just try explaining THAT to the missus as she wanders by.

I chanced my arm - or should that be paw - and found proof they existed. There was even a South African version, called Romany Creams! I bet the PC brigade got wind of that and had them renamed as Itinerant Traveler Alternative Lifestyle, and I have a Problem with Authority - Creams. Now - that's not gonna fit on the fuckin' packet is it?

Just for the record the winner was - the Chocolate Digestive. Woof !

The Year of the Dog

17 Feb 2018

Hey it's Chinese New Year; and 2018 is the Year of The Dog.

That gives me the chance to retread one of my Dad's favourite old jokes.

Question: How does a Chinaman take his dog out?
Answer: carefully, and with oven gloves - woof.

Do they really eat dogs in China? I've seen it on telly so it must be true. As they say over there - a dog isn't just for Xmas. If you're lucky they'll be some left over for Boxing Day.

Mind you I wouldn't mind if by chance Tommy 'disappeared' into some Dim Sums or a Chop Suey. That would suit me down to the ground, and I could get the place back all to myself.

Happy New Year - Woof !

A BIG welcome to Noggski's Doggski's Blogski to all my Russian and Ukrainian friends.

My uncle tells me that the Dog's Blog is followed all over the world, from the USA (we used to own that) to Canada (we used to own that too) and of course Australia (ditto).

But blow me - turns out that I've got lots of chums in Russia, AND Ukraine too. I'd say I've got more friends in Russia than Donald Trump - allegedly. However unlike old comb-over face; there's cast iron proof of my connections. I might send him a tweet about that.

Apologies for the lack of swearing in this post. It's just that now I know the Russians are watching me I have to be careful what I say. NOT that there's been ANY hint of interference or tampering with the blog. However, can I just say how much I love President Putin!

If I step out of line or say the wrong thing - I might get taken out. And when I say - "get taken out" - I don't mean for a walk round Jacob Smiths for a quick wee - if you catch my drift.

*** By the way - here's a picture of my new best buddy, Sikorsky from Volgograd.

PS: I haven't forgotten about Thomas Bell of Brigg of course.

Mind you, the tight bastards haven't sent me any pigs ears in ages. I'll probably get inundated with Russian vodka now.

Woofski !

Doggy Style

8 Feb 2018

I've decided to have a style makeover, in keeping with my new found status as the Modern Artiste - aka Poohgle. Here's an exclusive pic from my forthcoming photo shoot for Woof Magazine!
Woof !

Mind you that magazine does my fuckin' nut in, it's full of bollocks. I'm not even the headline on the front page - where I DESERVE to be. Just look who's ahead of ME. 

1. Gemma from Towie - "my private grief at loss of my grandma". If it's private grief, luv, how come it's plastered over pages 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. Plus there's a photo shoot of the wake afterwards. 

2. "Kaden dumps Jaden" - hold on I might have got that wrong. Is it "Jaden that's dumped Kaden?". I've never heard of either them, so fuck knows. 

3. "Jordan - I've tattooed my quim". Jordan shares her new saucy tattoo with us. It's for my boyfriend(s) eye(s) only she claims. What does it say - it's a curly arrow pointing at her muff with the words "you are here" in Sanskrit. That's a touch of class isn't it?

4. Khinky Khatie Khardasian - get's jiggy with Dizzy Rascal at showbiz party. Allegedly she's a big fan of Dizzy's hit Tongue n' Cheek. Actually it could be that Dizzy's had his tongue in her cheeks, I can't make head nor tail of it. 

I was hoping they'd want to take some pics from inside my kennel. Thus giving me the chance to point out to me Mum that I haven't fuckin' got one and have to spend most of the day on cold lino with nut job Tommy Knocker.

Andy Warhol said - that in the future "everyone will be famous for ten minutes".

Well that lot's time is up. Woof !!

I've got to stop reading BBC news - every time I do, I come away thinking how much more PC bollocks can a terrier take? This week, the Birmingham Repertory Theater has got a new play on for the children at half-term. No wonder me Mum calls it "kiss my arse Birmingham".
The play is called Penguins. It's based on the real story of two chinstrap penguins from New York Zoo, called Roy and Silo. No, I've never heard of chinstrap penguins either, but hey, let's go with it. They have to incubate an egg, and then raise the chick.

Sounds good I hear you say - the kids will f*****n' love that. Two cute little penguins facing the adversity of an arctic winter, all set to music. But hold on - these penguins are BOTH male. According to the theatre, Roy and Silo are GAY penguins, I'm amazed they don't come from San Francisco. Like any other penguins they can walk, play, swim and dance together. Happily there's no mention of any of the other activities they get up to! 

The marketing blurb says that - and I quote - "Penguins is a unique and engaging show for children about friendship, fun, identity and the ever-changing meaning of family". 

I've got an idea - seeing as they are penguins, and presumably black and white ones at that. Let's have them teach us a thing or two about racial equality, as they live side by side together in perfect harmony; just like in the fucking shite song by Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney.

As it's on in Birmingham we could add in some radical Penguins; who take over parts of the stage and declare it an Islamic Penguinate. For the grand finale they handcuff Roy and Silo together; and throw them off the stage into the orchestra pit below. The children could film it on their iPhones and then post it on You Tube later.

Fuck me; stop this shite now, just let the kids play out; eat fish fingers and watch Tom and Jerry. If they need to know about the real world issues like employment then tell 'em to get a fucking paper round.

No wonder Tristram turned out the way he did - woof


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