.... a terrier with Tourettes

That nice Mr Stormzy

28 Feb 2020

I see Mr Stormzy has been in the news this week. What do you get when you are Britain's top selling rap or grime artiste?



  • A date with a blonde leggy model?
  • A threesome date with two blonde leggy models?
  • Guaranteed top billing at Glastonbury for 2020?
  • Sellout UK tour across the mega-domes of Britain?
  • a Damian Hirst stab vest emblazoned with the Union Jack on the front?
No Mr Stormzy doesn't want any of that; what he wants is fuckin' Greggs pastie!

Yes the ultimate accolade for any self-respecting Grime artist is a piping hot Greggs vegan bake delivered personally to his star trailer at 4.00 am in the morning by some flunky.

Not only will he beating off leggy models in the early hours; he'll be covered in fuckin flaky pastry as well. Their pastry never stays put does it? One bite and it's all over the bleeding place. Anyways, all he has to do now is produce his Black Concierge card and they'll deliver to his front door.

Thomas Bell of Brigg take note. I'm tired of throwing hints their way. If Mr Stormzy qualifies for a pastie, then they they need a similar arrangement for me. 

Woof!





Celebrity Shag Island

18 Feb 2020

That popular TV show, I'm a Celebrity Let's Go to Shag Island is back.

Did it ever go away you might ask. Who the fuck knows. Who the fuck cares?

It's got a spin off series - I'm an actorrr and my other half is away in Rep in Birmingham, so let's get to it.

What's next ?

Celebrity Dentists - a fun packed show where D-grade celebrities make a ham fisted job of a dental hygiene inspection.

Celebrity Wallpapering - where D-grade celebrities get stuck at a pasting table whilst trying to hang some flock wallpaper.

Celebrity Dole Queue - where ex D-grade celebrities, who have fallen on hard times, have to eek out the week on a giro cheque and a diet of Pot Noodles.


Fuck me ragged, stop the world I want to get off.

I see Stephen Fry has tweeted this fond farewell to showbiz legend Nicholas Parsons.

Oh no. Nicholas Parsons gone? He ruled Just a Minute, for Just a Lifetime. Oh fuck it - repetition of the word 'just', so over to you Paul Merton.


Aaaah, Err ... Oh fuck hesitation, over to you Sandi Toksvig.

A stunning achievement: never scripted, always immaculate. From comedian's sidekick to great institution, via Sale of the Century & much more. Unrivalled continuity, professionalism & commitment.

Farewell. Oh bollocks, repetition of Farewell. Fuck it, aaagh; repetition of "fuck it"

And with just 1 second to go - it's over to you Benny to tell us something new about Nicholas Parsons.

Woof !

Guess what? I am in the running to be the new James Bond.

OK; it's not official yet, but Mr Broccoli's people have had words with my people ... so watch this space.

If we can consider a gay James Bond - ooooh -  or an LGBT James, or even a dwarf, then why not have a border terrier?


In these - equal opportunities times - border terriers have been shamefully overlooked by the acting world. If Daniel Craig can't be arsed to do the next one - no problem, I'll step in to do it. All I need is a small signing on fee; and my own Hollywood trailer filled with biscuits.

If they want to lay on some hot girl doggies in bikinis; I'm up for that too - if you catch my drift. I've been practicing raising my ... eyebrows.

Q branch have already designed the new car. It's not electric, it's paw powered so it'll keep that eco warrior, Greta Thunberg lot, happy.



Fuckin' get in, You Only Bark Twice ... Woof Woof ! Double-  oh behave.

All I want for Xmas is you? Nope I lied about that, I want pigs ears, preferably a whole truckload of them.

It's not much to ask is it? I bet that if I was an orphan pooch from Bulgaria then the fuckin' RSPCA or the  Dogs Trust would be falling over themselves to get me some.


But no, cos I'm not hard up, not got a gammy paw or some weeping sores around my asshole; I get soundly ignored by the - so called - caring British public.

Well fuck off the lot of ya, that's my Xmas message to the Nation.

PS: my former good buddies at Thomas Bell of Brigg; that message applies to you too!

I haven't had a Red Cross style parcel drop of ears for ages! Bastards.

Oh! Jeremy Corbyn

18 Dec 2019

Fuck me, these aren't words I ever thought I'd write. BUT, Jeremy Corbyn; he's a bona fide, certified Fanny Magnet.

He may have cocked up the election, decimated Labour's core vote, and lost a record number of seats, but all I can say is; WOAH !

For someone who looks like an irritable woodwork teacher; he's a fuckin' fanny magnet.

He looks like this - a bearded wonder.


But he's pulled birds like this! Hot latina, Claudia Bracchitta. How did he manage that?


Fuck me; she was actually fucking married, to the actual Jeremy fucking Corbyn.

Oh Jeremy, tell me again about collective bargaining and the rights of workers to extended pension rights, you silver tongued fox you. Ooooh, just one more time Darling; please explain again how Momentum or the hard left is planning the deselection of non-Socialist MPs?

How did he do it? How does Boris do it? Beats me.

I have to say right off; you are batting well above your average there mate; so fair play to you. It's good to know it's not just the country that's been fucked.

Woof!

Hey Ho. Another day another dollar.

I can't keep track of all this LGBT bollocks, which neatly brings me to the case of the transgender woman who actually has a pair!

Here she is, Jessica Yaniv, aged 32


Right, I know what you're thinking. The same as me yes - that's not a woman - it's a "fucking bloke" in a dress. That's what everyone thinks, but NO, not her, she, him, it or they.

"Jessica" has accused loads of waxing salons of discrimination - just because they wouldn’t trim her pubic hair and leave her with a neat line. She identifies as a woman but still has a penis and testicles. These are body parts that the businesses said they did not offer services for.

Fair enough, they are designated as beauty parlours, the clues in the name love.

The businesses don't advertise themselves as "butt ugly parlours", or "blokes in a fucking dress parlours" do they? No, they don't.

They say - and I quote -that they are beauty parlours. So Jessica love - so take heed.

Woof !

Schwamm Bob eckige Hose - that's roughly translated as "SpongeBob Squarepants" for our German readers - or to be accurate reader. There's a bloke in Dusseldorf allegedly who tunes in, although I've never met him, or even heard from. In fact to be fair he probably doesn't exist, I just made it up.

There's someone who looks me up from the Netherlands though - so vierkante broek met sponsbob to you Wim!

Why oh why am I banging on about Spongebob in German.

Well; apparently top footy player Son Heung Min of Spuzz learnt German from him ! No kidding; I'd have thought learning German from a German would have been a better bet.

Son also made sure he knew the German swear words from the get go - now that's something I could have helped him with. Jurgen Klopp would be quite a good reference point too.

Q: Jurgen how are you feeling about the disallowed goal at United
A: Schiesse, das ist eine kliene goal - ****n dumkofp Martin Atkinson.

Q: Jurgen how are you feeling about only being 6 points clear
A: Schiesse, das twat Pepe Guardiola ist ein rent Junge.

Woof !

Woof !

I've got a new joke for you c/o 'Bonking' Boris Johnson - the gift that keeps on giving.


Question: What's the difference between Boris Johnson and Jennifer Acuri?

Answer: One's a blond bimbo who'll shag or sleep with anyone on their way to power. And - the other one's Jennifer Acuri.

Boris has been in the tabloids yet again claiming he's done nothing wrong - other than award money and contracts to blonde model / entrepreneur through his connections as London Mayor.

"I've been a model of restraint" he's been saying today in the papers. The words "model" and "restraint" conjure an interesting image.

Woof !

What's in a name?

23 Sep 2019

Yet more PC bollocks to report.

When you have a kid - or even a dog - and you call it Benny or Tommy or Maddy you've got a clear idea if it's a boy doggy or a girl doggy haven't you?

So what the fuck is wrong with that - ah well it reinforces gender stereotypes and we can't have that can we? Why can't we have gender neutral doggies too?



My uncle says he's just been reading up about a PC couple from the South West who have named their kid Anoush. SPOILER ALERT - Anoush is a boy!

Jake England-Johns and Hobbit Humphrey appeared on BBC One to discuss their decision to keep their baby’s gender a secret, to allow their child to “be themselves” and keep them free from “the gender bias that society places on children”.

The couple have chosen a gender-neutral name - Anoush FFS - and the kid's never called he or she just “they”. Even the child’s grandmother didn’t know the sex of the baby until they were 11 months old (although if granny had offered to change a nappy before then, she might’ve found out a bit fuckin' sooner).

Granny? "Please change little Anoush's nappy and look out - they's got a cock so you have been warned".

The couple are circus performers by the way - BIG surprise - given they act like a pair of fuckin' clowns. Hobbit Humphrey and Dildo Baggins. I've just renamed Tommy as something gender neutral - they are now known as Whatsit.

Woof !

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