.... a terrier with Tourettes

Uncle Ben is dead

25 Oct 2018

I've just realized that an icon of American advertising - the famous Uncle Ben - is dead.

Do you know what this means?



Yep, no more Mr Rice Guy. Woof!

According to OK magazine Kerry Katona's had an ass hole transplant!

Have you seen the stop press though? The ass hole's rejected her! Woof.

I'm not kidding - are there no depths a celebrity won't plumb to get some oxygen of publicity? Apparently not.

She has stunned her Instagram followers by filming herself getting a Brazilian bum lift. #ass hole, #desperate, #hashtag - #sillybitch.
The former Atomic Kitten singer has changed her look many times over the years - from being blonde to being purple. I don't want to pick faults here; but I'm pretty sure Prince covered that whole being purple thing to a tee. Oh yeah; he could fuckin' sing as well.
Now the mum-of-five - by six different dad's - wants tighter and more perkier buttocks.
Here's the before and after shot of her bum; let's see if you can spot the differences. Woof !


Yep - she's left the label showing on her panties n the last shot. Plus it looks like she's had a bit of rumpy pumpy and a mild spanking in shot 2 as well. Woof!

Fuck me; bloody students!

Its been drawn to my attention that those berks at Manchester University have ditched clapping as a sign of appreciation. And what is it being replaced with - I hear you ask? A big thumbs UP or thumbs DOWN like in that film Gladiator perhaps? Fuck me no; that would be vaguely sensible.

It's being replaced in favour of "jazz hands".

Reps at the University have voted to replace noisy appreciation - i.e clapping - with the British Sign Language equivalent - a soundless wave of both hands.

Union officer Sara Khan said traditional clapping can cause issues for students with autism, sensory issues or deafness. I suspect Mizz Khan might have a few issues; I've certainly got an ISSUE myself - what the fucks wrong with clapping? I know students are thick, but how many of the fuckers have never seen anyone clap before? What about blind students; how are they gonna see someone waving at them?

I've got an idea for Manchester University. The next time the principle Science lecturer is about to talk about Particle Physics or how gravity can bend time; why doesn't he fuckin' mime his lecture?. He could just wave his hands, or make a sign with his thumb and forefinger coming together slowly. That would symbolise something really tiny - like an atom.

Better still he could black up or dress as a woman, then put some lippy on whilst miming. It would be bonkers but would be inclusive - and hey that's what matters.


Here's a sign just for Manchester University; with love from me.

Woof!

It's my uncle's misfortune to spend large parts of the week on the highways and byways of the UK.

Nothing irritates him more than so called smart motorway signs.



Example: as seen on a journey home recently

Matrix sign "A520 closed after the A50."

Yeah like right I immediately know where the A520 is.

They've got all the letters and numbers to play with, so what's wrong with "slip road closed at Middleton,"

I tell you - that would fuckin' helpful that's what wrong with it.

You're pootling along and a sign says congestion next junction. Congestion, that sounds mildly irritating but not worth turning off for. As soon get past the "Congestion" sign AND the junction where you could have back tracked; what does the next sign tell you.

Yep; congestion is now "Longgg delays 4 hours". Fuck me tell me what are they thinking.

Bastards.


Spotted Dick ..

28 Jun 2018

Spotted dick has long been a source of amusement for diners – but now seems to be so much so that waiters in the Houses of Parliament dare not say the name of the pudding out loud.


The Daily Telegraph has learnt that staff working in Strangers’ Dining Room, the 19th-century restaurant used by MPs to entertain guests, have resorted to using the name “Spotted Richard” in order to spare the clientele their blushes.

Fuck me it's political correctness gone mad.

What next?

Spotted Dick = Spotted Richard
Brown Sauce = Ethnically-diverse sauce
Black Pudding = POBO (Pudding of Black Origin)
BLT Sandwich = LGBT Sandwich

Stop the world I want to get off - woof.


Fuck me I've been listening to the BBC again - I know I shouldn't cos it's a wind-up every time.

Some nonce has just been on saying ready made dog food is BAD - and we doggies need GOOD food that is home-cooked.

They then proceeded to test their home cooked recipes on some poor unsuspecting mutts. First off was something that contained Turkey, Quinoa and Kale that had been blow dried.

What the fuck is Quinoa? or Keenwah as the bloke pronounced it. Bollocks to that.

My doggy needs are simple: -

1. Meat.
2. Gravy.
3. Peas ... I fuckin' love peas.

That's it. Of course if I'm out and about in the park I'm not averse to a spot of 'al fresco' dining.

I don't mind the odd bit of foraging either; like that bloke Hugh Fearnley Whatsinstore.

A choice bit of manure or horse d'oeuvres as I like to call it. Follow that up by some cool, long, grass in a bird crap coulis - it goes down a treat. Of course it might come out a bit runny at the other end - but hey that's not my problem is it?

Woof .

I see Poundland - aka the chav's House of Fraser has gone into administration. A spokesman said it was "due to a difficult High Street and tough market conditions. Poundland also blamed competition from discounters.

Fuck me ... who the hell can undercut Poundland? The shop where you can buy a complete set of steak knives plus a BBQ grill for just £1.

Is it "50p-world"? Or perhaps it's "get the two p's from the back of the sofa dot co dot uk" who can sell stuff cheaper than Poundland?

I know it must be that bloke from Liverpool from a bygone age - "five blades for two bob".

We must really be in the shit now - if shops like Poundland, Bargain Booze and Maplins have bit the dust.

I blame Brexit. Woof.

Either that or it was selling charcoal fucking toothpaste.




A Beaver Deceiver

8 May 2018

Hey - I know what you're thinking.

Am I banging on about Donald Trump again with a headline like Beaver Deceiver?
Or ... is it just a cheap way to get yet more schoolboy humour onto the Blog?

Actually I'm being environment friendly.

Flow devices -aka beaver deceivers - are man-made solutions to beaver-related flooding problems. Traditional solutions have involved the trapping and removal of all the beavers in an area. While this is sometimes necessary, it is typically a short-lived solution, as beaver populations have made a remarkable comeback in the United States.

I must admit I have been experiencing beaver-related problems myself, and if beaver's have made a remarkable comeback in many areas - then it's news to me ! Woof.

I think we're all agreed that more beavers are only to be encouraged.

A beaver deceiver isn't something dreamt up by Mr Trump's lawyers - oh no. It's something that allows them to go about their daily beavering activities without blocking up the drains or the soil pipe from your toilet.

If you want to know more about Beaver Bafflers or other Beaver mitigation strategies then click here.

Woof - or should that be Squeek?

I'm not entirely sure what sound a beaver makes!

Cold Spoon Murphy ...

23 Apr 2018

My dad used to recount the tale of a school medical, that took place somewhere between 1970 and 1975.

It consisted of stripping down to your undies, running around in the gym, and then coughing - while the doctor examined you.

The school nurse was also in attendance. One young lad got a bit over-excited; so the school nurse quickly produced a cold spoon. She then uttered the classic line - "take that away - and go and calm yourself down !".

From that day on, the poor lad was forever known as "Cold Spoon Murphy".

Woof!


Sheriff Donald J Trump walks into a bar in Laredo, Southern Texas - close to the Mexican border.

He spits on the bar, places his gun and holster down - and says - "gimme a shot of red eye".

The bartender does as he's told; and then glances down at the gun. It has 7 notches carved into it.

"Hey senor- what's with the 7 notches on your gun"?



Trump says - "well I shot five Mexican's last week. "So ... that's a notch for each one of 'em".

Bartender pausing: "well ... what are the other notches for?"

Trump: "well, see... they're bonus notches!". "Adios amigo".

Woof!

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