.... a terrier with Tourettes

A Beaver Deceiver

8 May 2018

Hey - I know what you're thinking.

Am I banging on about Donald Trump again with a headline like Beaver Deceiver?
Or ... is it just a cheap way to get yet more schoolboy humour onto the Blog?

Actually I'm being environment friendly.

Flow devices -aka beaver deceivers - are man-made solutions to beaver-related flooding problems. Traditional solutions have involved the trapping and removal of all the beavers in an area. While this is sometimes necessary, it is typically a short-lived solution, as beaver populations have made a remarkable comeback in the United States.

I must admit I have been experiencing beaver-related problems myself, and if beaver's have made a remarkable comeback in many areas - then it's news to me ! Woof.

I think we're all agreed that more beavers are only to be encouraged.

A beaver deceiver isn't something dreamt up by Mr Trump's lawyers - oh no. It's something that allows them to go about their daily beavering activities without blocking up the drains or the soil pipe from your toilet.

If you want to know more about Beaver Bafflers or other Beaver mitigation strategies then click here.

Woof - or should that be Squeek?

I'm not entirely sure what sound a beaver makes!

Cold Spoon Murphy ...

23 Apr 2018

My dad used to recount the tale of a school medical, that took place somewhere between 1970 and 1975.

It consisted of stripping down to your undies, running around in the gym, and then coughing - while the doctor examined you.

The school nurse was also in attendance. One young lad got a bit over-excited; so the school nurse quickly produced a cold spoon. She then uttered the classic line - "take that away - and go and calm yourself down !".

From that day on, the poor lad was forever known as "Cold Spoon Murphy".


Sheriff Donald J Trump walks into a bar in Laredo, Southern Texas - close to the Mexican border.

He spits on the bar, places his gun and holster down - and says - "gimme a shot of red eye".

The bartender does as he's told; and then glances down at the gun. It has 7 notches carved into it.

"Hey senor- what's with the 7 notches on your gun"?

Trump says - "well I shot five Mexican's last week. "So ... that's a notch for each one of 'em".

Bartender pausing: "well ... what are the other notches for?"

Trump: "well, see... they're bonus notches!". "Adios amigo".


Fucking phone calls

27 Mar 2018

Hey guess what - as well as hating fucking passwords, me dad hated automated voice systems too.

Welcome to the WeDontGiveAShit Insurance helpline, to start off please type in your 16 digit account code followed by the hash key.

Panics, finds number on a piece of paper, types 4 9 2 9 4 2 9 1 6 1 0 0 1 6 6 6 slowly.

Sorry that account code is not recognised, did you forget the hash key? Please try again.

Oh fuck I did that wrong it ends in 10 66 not 16 66, types number in again, followed by the # key.

Press 1 for inquiries, 2 for claims, 3 for whatever and 4 for fuck knows. For all other inquiries please hold.

Presses 2.

Great, Press 1 for a new claim, and 2 for an existing claim.

Presses 2 again.

Moronic music plays.

I'm Bored shit less already.

OK, you are 4th in the queue, please hold. Moronic music starts on repeat.

Still bored shit less; my patience is running out.

OK, now enter your date of birth followed by the hash key.

Types 26 03 1961 and then #.

Please hold you're next in the queue, moronic music resumes.

I'm really getting fucked off now.

Suddenly - Hi I'm Ted, can I help you?

Amazed! Yes, I want to check on my claim for my car being written off.

No problem .... can I have your 16 digit account code?

You want my 16 digit account code? Is that the same one that I typed in about half a bastard hour ago?

Yep; that's the one.

Sorry maybe it's just me. But I'm missing something here. Your system asked me to type in my account code, which I did, and then the first fucking question you ask me is - what's my account code. What is the fucking point of you asking for it; and ME typing it in, IF you have got no fucking intention of using it?

I'm sorry sir it's our systems, they are a bit slow today.

No shit Sherlock. Well write this down, my fucking account code is 4 9 2 9 4 2 9 1 6 1 0 0 1 0 6 6 - do you want the bastard hash key as well?

Very witty sir, but no that's fine. I just need your date of birth as well.

Are you taking the piss or what!

No sir I need your date of birth, and also for security can you tell me the name of your first pet - and the VIN number stamped on the vehicle?

Right smart arse, it is 26 03 1961, Snowy the rabbit, and V Z 7 3 6 3 7 1 9 1 2 9 1.

Ah ... I can see you bought the policy from TossItOff Insurance.


Well, they merged with WeDontGiveAShit Insurance last year; their records are in a different system.


In a different department.


In a different office, with a different phone number.

Fuck me ragged.

And they're in a different time zone in Outer Mongolia, all their offices are closed right now.

Headbutts wall; smashes phone into tiny pieces.

They're dropping like flies.

Farewell Sir Ken Dodd - at the grand old age of 90.

He famously had a few accounting issues with HMRC - to which he replied that 'he had invented self assessment' - woof.

Then Jim Bowen, followed by Steven Hawking. My Dad once made up a poem about him.

There was a man, Dr Steven Hawking.
Who sadly had to give up walking.
On his mobile scooter.
Attached to a computer.
Lucky for him, it could do all the talking !


Stormy in a D-Cup

13 Mar 2018

I see President Trump's lawyer has wired 130,000 US Dollars to former porn actress Stormy Daniels. Nothing suspicious about that - I mean - who hasn't paid off a porn actress with 130,000 dollars in their time?

130,000 dollars is perfectly reasonable expenses for a light lunch and a can of peas. [Editors note - it's pronounced canapes] which I am sure was what it was. Nothing dodgy, oh No!.

In 2005 he was quoted saying, I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.

Considering some of the gymnastic activities that Ms Daniels has been involved in; I think a full protection suit might be in order mate. Hey, it's the President, he's losing woof, or should that be wood? This is a code red, Jason Bourne style national security situation - quick, get some Tic Tacs!

Note: This isn't Harvey Weinstein I'm talking about, this is Donald Trump. This man is the actual fucking President of the actual fucking United States. It's not me making stuff up.

PS: Here's a short list of just some of Ms Daniels films.

Perky and Punctual. I hope Pinky and Perky weren't involved in that.
Sex Door Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours!
and ... Operation Desert Stormy.

Woof !

Bloody hell, am I on the ball - or what?

As soon as I type something or I even just think it - then fuck me - it comes true.

No sooner had I spotted two gay penguins were having a chick, then fellow chum and diver Tom Daley announced he was having a baby too. Why didn't they adopt a chick from Malawi like Madonna would do? OK I know there are no fucking penguins in Malawi, but you get my point.

Then I mentioned Jordan tattooing her minge; and lo and behold she appears in the glossy mags as part of a cheap publicity stunt.

Just to top it off I mention my contacts in Russia and it all kicks off over there as well. I can't say too much obviously - but I won't be going to Salisbury any time soon.

On the other hand - Knocker boy, do you fancy a day trip?


Bollocks. My Uncle has only gone a built me an Amazon Echo skill, so you can keep right up to date with my daily doggy capers. Woo hoo - I'm high tech. Just say 'what's my flash briefing' and away we go.

Trouble is the bastards have what they call - a certification process. Bloody censorship is what it is, they've blackballed me on the basis of the occasional expletive.

If they're so fuckin' family friendly how come I can say - "play me Stormzy" - and it'll happily play back a song full of F-words; or even worse - without a murmur. At least my fucking swear words are bleeped out. As Mr Stormzy is a champion of the underprivileged - I wonder if he'd write a song about the injustice of my situation?

To help him on his way, I've sent him some lyrics like them rap fellers Scoopy Dog, or that Dizzie Rascal might write.

Walkin' round Jacob Smith's with my bitches.

Having a crap on their football pitches.

Hey Mr Goalkeeper ain't you brave.

Dive into my shit - when you make a save.

Establishment people - I got news for you.

I've just done, a very runny poo.

The only thing solid 'bout me - is my Crew.

Yo Mother ! Woof !

Bugger me - a few weeks ago I boldly claimed that modern art was shit, metaphorically.

Well now I can prove it is - literally. Pay attention 'cos my favourite artiste - Abraham Cruzvillegas - of Mexico has a work that consists of sheep dung. I mean I'm no Picasso myself but Jesus 'H' Christ what the 'eff is it with modern art?

He's got a piece from a series called Shit Models that seems to consist of sheep dung. This one looks like a bird table with coat hangers on it. And then some sheep crap stuck on the top.

Now, take Michaelangelo for example - he took 5 years - to paint the Sistine Chapel. This guy has just popped down to B&Q; got a bird table, some coat hangers and a bag of sheep dung from the nearest field and filled his boots. Un-believable! Thousands of dollars for that ! Me dad was quite a talented artist - water colours and the like. He was in the wrong business ! Woof !

It's a lovely day

27 Feb 2018

Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its Bill Withers!

Have a lovely day - woof !


Jewers Grain Thomas Bell

Diamond Fertlisers Chummy

Cold Spoon Murphy

Cold Spoon Murphy

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