.... a terrier with Tourettes

Schwamm Bob eckige Hose - that's roughly translated as "SpongeBob Squarepants" for our German readers - or to be accurate reader. There's a bloke in Dusseldorf allegedly who tunes in, although I've never met him, or even heard from. In fact to be fair he probably doesn't exist, I just made it up.

There's someone who looks me up from the Netherlands though - so vierkante broek met sponsbob to you Wim!

Why oh why am I banging on about Spongebob in German.

Well; apparently top footy player Son Heung Min of Spuzz learnt German from him ! No kidding; I'd have thought learning German from a German would have been a better bet.

Son also made sure he knew the German swear words from the get go - now that's something I could have helped him with. Jurgen Klopp would be quite a good reference point too.

Q: Jurgen how are you feeling about the disallowed goal at United
A: Schiesse, das ist eine kliene goal - ****n dumkofp Martin Atkinson.

Q: Jurgen how are you feeling about only being 6 points clear
A: Schiesse, das twat Pepe Guardiola ist ein rent Junge.

Woof !

Woof !

I've got a new joke for you c/o 'Bonking' Boris Johnson - the gift that keeps on giving.

Question: What's the difference between Boris Johnson and Jennifer Acuri?

Answer: One's a blond bimbo who'll shag or sleep with anyone on their way to power. And - the other one's Jennifer Acuri.

Boris has been in the tabloids yet again claiming he's done nothing wrong - other than award money and contracts to blonde model / entrepreneur through his connections as London Mayor.

"I've been a model of restraint" he's been saying today in the papers. The words "model" and "restraint" conjure an interesting image.

Woof !

What's in a name?

23 Sep 2019

Yet more PC bollocks to report.

When you have a kid - or even a dog - and you call it Benny or Tommy or Maddy you've got a clear idea if it's a boy doggy or a girl doggy haven't you?

So what the fuck is wrong with that - ah well it reinforces gender stereotypes and we can't have that can we? Why can't we have gender neutral doggies too?

My uncle says he's just been reading up about a PC couple from the South West who have named their kid Anoush. SPOILER ALERT - Anoush is a boy!

Jake England-Johns and Hobbit Humphrey appeared on BBC One to discuss their decision to keep their baby’s gender a secret, to allow their child to “be themselves” and keep them free from “the gender bias that society places on children”.

The couple have chosen a gender-neutral name - Anoush FFS - and the kid's never called he or she just “they”. Even the child’s grandmother didn’t know the sex of the baby until they were 11 months old (although if granny had offered to change a nappy before then, she might’ve found out a bit fuckin' sooner).

Granny? "Please change little Anoush's nappy and look out - they's got a cock so you have been warned".

The couple are circus performers by the way - BIG surprise - given they act like a pair of fuckin' clowns. Hobbit Humphrey and Dildo Baggins. I've just renamed Tommy as something gender neutral - they are now known as Whatsit.

Woof !

Another fine mess

18 Sep 2019

Prorogue is a portmanteau word***

It means Pro(fessional)rogue. *** Look it up like I did.

Bollie: "Here's another fine mess you've gotten me into, proroguing Parliament".

Moggy: "Well you started it".

Bollie: "I did not"

Moggy: "You certainly did. You said we can shut it down and nobody will be any the wiser"

Woof !

Big Log. No, it's not a vague reference to that hit by Robert Plant.

It's the best my doggy brain can do when faced with the the bizarre story of the theft of a solid gold toilet from Blenheim Palace. I mean I just get to go on the grass at Jacob Smith's but the two-leggeds have got a fuckin' proper gold toilet worth £4.8m. That's $6m for my American cousins.

No I am NOT making this up - see the story link from the BBC here.

The work is entitled America and its an actual toilet that you can use - AND it's gold. I just don't get art at all; a fart yes but not art. The artwork - famously offered to US President Donald Trump in 2017 - was a "comment on the American dream" according to its creator.

The Chief Exec at Blenheim Palace - Dominic Hare -  said the building had a "a sophisticated security system", but said staff were "now challenged to look hard at ourselves and improve again"..

No shit Sherlock. My uncle says it's an inside job.

Solid Gold ... Easy Action. Woof !

Dilyn The Dog ..

2 Sep 2019

I'm Dilyn the Dog.
I'm a dog called Dilyn.

"Dilyn the Dog" shouldn't to be confused with "Dill the Dog" from The Herbs, although he looks just as fuckin' gormless.

Apparently he's just moved in to Number 10 Downing Street, something Jeremy Corbyn is HIGHLY unlikely to achieve. So fair play to the lad - although I still don't like the look of him.

What is it don't I like? Well he's wearing a pink collar for starters. What sort of boy dog wears pink?

A woofter dog - that's what. He's Welsh to boot; so he's probably the "Only Gay in the Village".

Looks like he's spoiling for an erection, sorry I meant election. Woof !

Fuck me ... I've done it again.

Just when I think the world can't get any more PC; it goes and proves me wrong.

Doc Martens - that well known brand; and skinhead icon has gone and produced a vegan boot. How the fuck do you make a boot vegan? Put some humus on it? Make it out of vines leaves?

Pardon me-  but I'm getting the words - marketing bollocks.

It's a great boot  - you can kick someone's head in; and be compassionate at the same time.

Sales of the vegan range – which replaces the leather upper with synthetic polyurethane plastic – have increased by “multiple hundreds of percent” in recent years, according to its chief executive, Kenny Wilson. 

Never mind that you're flooding the oceans with tons of plastic then ?

Cynical bastards. Woof !

I heard that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson is on the lookout for a rescue dog. Well I'm delighted to announce that well known bottom sniffer - Tommy - 'The Nut Job' - is immediately available.

Apparently this could put Larry The Cat's nose - or should that be paws? - out of joint. Well fuck Larry The Cat. He can take his Twitter campaign and shove it where the sun don't shine.

Boris likes it doggy style - allegedly - so a pooch could well suit him. I wonder what he'll call it. Based on his past form it'll be something unpronounceable.

His first missus was named Allegra Mostyn-Owen, and his next was the vaguely sensible Marina Wheeler.

Allegra, then Marina - fuck me - it sounds like he has a car fetish for British Leyland.

One of his many other 'bits on the side' was called - Petronella Wyatt. So he obviously likes 'em posh, with a public school background.

New girlfriend Carrie Symonds has moved in to Number Ten. She looks like she knows her way around Royal Ascot. As soon as I saw her picture my first thought was - gymkhana.

No doubt when she's had enough and fucked off from Downing Street, the Sun can run the following headline - "Carrie Doesn't Live here Anymore".

I'll give them that one for free - just remember you heard it here first.

Woof !

I see Donald Trump told Boris Johnson to jump last week! Boris then wittily replied - "how high?"

It's about Sir Kim Darroch's candid assessment of the Trump administration. It was he said - quote - inept and dysfunctional.

I imagine the conversation between Trump and BoJo went something like this.

Boris, I don't like that guy Sir Tim. He's not doing me, I mean the UK any favors.

Crikey, I think you mean Sir Kim, don't you Donald?

Yeah that Sir Jim guy. Get ridda that bum. His numbers don't look great.

Crumbs you mean Sir Kim, not Sir Tim, nor Sir Jim. Whaddya - sorry what do you - want me to do?

I want you to jump big guy, I want you to jump when I say so, and dump that asshole.

Cripes I can do that. How high do you want me to jump Don?

It's a BIG number, a really BIG number,  I'm thinking forxty.


Yeah, about that. It's somewhere between forty and sixty feet.

Right, crikey, crumbs, cripes, OK. I'll do it. But I wanna - sorry - want a trade deal.

See that girlfriend of yours, Laura Kuenssberg, she's kinda cute. She's part of the deal OK!

Blimey - I'll see what I can do. A forxty foot jump,  plus Laura Kuenssberg to be phased in by Oct?

You got it fella. - remember your're playing with the big boys now. Nice hair by the way.

Woof !

Blow me - oops bad choice of words. I see our French cousins are getting hot under the collar about the diurnal activities of Maurice the famous cock .. eral.

Maurice has been proudly crowing at 6.30 am for years but now his toffee-nosed neighbors - or 'voisons au nez caramel' as they say in France - are up in arms. Maurice has been taken to court for disturbing the peace.

In 1995, faced with a similar case that led to a death notice being served on a cockerel, a French appeal court declared it was impossible to stop a rooster crowing.

“The chicken is a harmless animal so stupid that nobody has succeeded in training it, not even the Chinese circus,” that judgment said.

Sounds like Maurice is safe for now - ooh la la et Woof ! Solidarity Maurice.


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