.... a terrier with Tourettes

Just a quick joke for you.

Husband: "I've heard the milkman boast that he's shagged every woman in the street - apart from one!

Wife: "I'll bet it's that stuck up bitch at number seven !!".

Woof !

Kinder Surprise

5 Dec 2018

Fuck me ragged ... are the no depths to which humanity will not stoop?

The Liverpool Echo has been carrying a report about a "'Highly intelligent' drug dealer who hid a Kinder Egg up his bum for a Music Festival". The egg contained a drug called MDMA.

The 21-year-old offender reportedly had a bag with two yellow tablets and a further 48 tablets, concealed in the Kinder Egg - which he then put in his anal cavity. I hope he wore Marigold gloves for that!

It certainly brings a new meaning to the phrase - Kinder Surprise. How intelligent can you be if you put Class A drugs in a Kinder Egg container and then shove it up your bum? Then you're hoping to sell the contents to idiots at a Music Festival.

I suppose the numptys at these Festivals ain't too bright - and think the aroma is part of the attraction. Yeah; this is really good shit man ... yep that's more correct than you know! Woof!

What a Pantomime !

26 Nov 2018

That goldmine of news, The Sun - has been running a story for Panto season. Apparently Pantomime bosses have been slammed by dwarfs for turning to cheaper child actors for their productions of Snow White.

Hayden Parker, a judge for the British Panto awards said "'It boils down to the fact that in this cost-cutting age dwarfs are expensive. "Using child actors belittles our profession" he said. So "Snow White and The Seven Dwarves", is now - technically speaking - "Snow White and the Seven Minimum-Wage Child Actors - that are Cast As Dwarves".

Panto chiefs in their defence said that there was "no need for the dwarfs to make a big thing out of it". Steve Redford, who runs the Mini Men agency, said he has stopped supplying actors to pantos because of plummeting demand. "Sadly" - he says - "demand for dwarfs is much smaller than it used to be". Could this be down to the fact that the salary for a dwarf, erm, dwarfs that - of a child actor?

A dwarf can ask for more than double the minimum recommended pay rate of £471 a week in panto. This could leave theatre production companies spending more than £10,000 a week on all seven dwarfs. Does this mean the Theatres' don't want ... "a big payroll". I guess it does, Mr Redford conceded.

I've got an idea, why don't they cast child dwarfs in the role of dwarfs? Presumably a dwarf doesn't go straight to man or womanhood; they have a spell where they're a child too. This way the theatre saves on expenditure; but the tradition of using dwarfs as dwarfs continues. It's a win-win for everyone.

Right! I'm off to the House of Commons next to solve Brexit.

PS: That reminds me; me Dad once had an accident where he backed into a dwarfs shiny new Mercedes. The dwarf got out of his car and said - 'I'm not Happy'. To which he replied, 'Which one are you then?" Woof!

Windows told me I needed a new password.

It had to be at least 8 characters long, so I chose 'Snow White And The Seven Dwarves".


Gay Pride

21 Nov 2018

According to reports; two male lions have been seen in a gay sexual encounter in the Kenyan national park. Here's a gratuitous picture of said lions, Roger and Humphrey - boning each other, woof !

Now there have been yet more reports of gay penguins. This time they are named Magic and Sven - and they come from Sydney. Sven has gifted Magic a special 'stone', which the zookeeper explains is - the "equivalent of proposing in the love language of penguins". Really? I mean really?

I thought regurgitating old sardines down your throat was a sign of love for a penguin, but what do I know?

I can't take any more LGBT bollocks, gay penguins; lesbian iguanas, queer lions or even transsexual chameleons, it's all too much for my doggy sized brain to cope with. Woof!

Uncle Ben is dead

25 Oct 2018

I've just realized that an icon of American advertising - the famous Uncle Ben - is dead.

Do you know what this means?

Yep, no more Mr Rice Guy. Woof!

According to OK magazine Kerry Katona's had an ass hole transplant!

Have you seen the stop press though? The ass hole's rejected her! Woof.

I'm not kidding - are there no depths a celebrity won't plumb to get some oxygen of publicity? Apparently not.

She has stunned her Instagram followers by filming herself getting a Brazilian bum lift. #ass hole, #desperate, #hashtag - #sillybitch.
The former Atomic Kitten singer has changed her look many times over the years - from being blonde to being purple. I don't want to pick faults here; but I'm pretty sure Prince covered that whole being purple thing to a tee. Oh yeah; he could fuckin' sing as well.
Now the mum-of-five - by six different dad's - wants tighter and more perkier buttocks.
Here's the before and after shot of her bum; let's see if you can spot the differences. Woof !

Yep - she's left the label showing on her panties n the last shot. Plus it looks like she's had a bit of rumpy pumpy and a mild spanking in shot 2 as well. Woof!

Fuck me; bloody students!

Its been drawn to my attention that those berks at Manchester University have ditched clapping as a sign of appreciation. And what is it being replaced with - I hear you ask? A big thumbs UP or thumbs DOWN like in that film Gladiator perhaps? Fuck me no; that would be vaguely sensible.

It's being replaced in favour of "jazz hands".

Reps at the University have voted to replace noisy appreciation - i.e clapping - with the British Sign Language equivalent - a soundless wave of both hands.

Union officer Sara Khan said traditional clapping can cause issues for students with autism, sensory issues or deafness. I suspect Mizz Khan might have a few issues; I've certainly got an ISSUE myself - what the fucks wrong with clapping? I know students are thick, but how many of the fuckers have never seen anyone clap before? What about blind students; how are they gonna see someone waving at them?

I've got an idea for Manchester University. The next time the principle Science lecturer is about to talk about Particle Physics or how gravity can bend time; why doesn't he fuckin' mime his lecture?. He could just wave his hands, or make a sign with his thumb and forefinger coming together slowly. That would symbolise something really tiny - like an atom.

Better still he could black up or dress as a woman, then put some lippy on whilst miming. It would be bonkers but would be inclusive - and hey that's what matters.

Here's a sign just for Manchester University; with love from me.


It's my uncle's misfortune to spend large parts of the week on the highways and byways of the UK.

Nothing irritates him more than so called smart motorway signs.

Example: as seen on a journey home recently

Matrix sign "A520 closed after the A50."

Yeah like right I immediately know where the A520 is.

They've got all the letters and numbers to play with, so what's wrong with "slip road closed at Middleton,"

I tell you - that would fuckin' helpful that's what wrong with it.

You're pootling along and a sign says congestion next junction. Congestion, that sounds mildly irritating but not worth turning off for. As soon get past the "Congestion" sign AND the junction where you could have back tracked; what does the next sign tell you.

Yep; congestion is now "Longgg delays 4 hours". Fuck me tell me what are they thinking.


Spotted Dick ..

28 Jun 2018

Spotted dick has long been a source of amusement for diners – but now seems to be so much so that waiters in the Houses of Parliament dare not say the name of the pudding out loud.

The Daily Telegraph has learnt that staff working in Strangers’ Dining Room, the 19th-century restaurant used by MPs to entertain guests, have resorted to using the name “Spotted Richard” in order to spare the clientele their blushes.

Fuck me it's political correctness gone mad.

What next?

Spotted Dick = Spotted Richard
Brown Sauce = Ethnically-diverse sauce
Black Pudding = POBO (Pudding of Black Origin)
BLT Sandwich = LGBT Sandwich

Stop the world I want to get off - woof.


Jewers Grain Thomas Bell

Diamond Fertlisers Chummy

January Land

January Land
Where it's fuckin' miserable all year round

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