.... a terrier with Tourettes

Dilyn The Dog ..

2 Sep 2019

I'm Dilyn the Dog.
I'm a dog called Dilyn.

"Dilyn the Dog" shouldn't to be confused with "Dill the Dog" from The Herbs, although he looks just as fuckin' gormless.

Apparently he's just moved in to Number 10 Downing Street, something Jeremy Corbyn is HIGHLY unlikely to achieve. So fair play to the lad - although I still don't like the look of him.

What is it don't I like? Well he's wearing a pink collar for starters. What sort of boy dog wears pink?



A woofter dog - that's what. He's Welsh to boot; so he's probably the "Only Gay in the Village".

Looks like he's spoiling for an erection, sorry I meant election. Woof !


Fuck me ... I've done it again.

Just when I think the world can't get any more PC; it goes and proves me wrong.

Doc Martens - that well known brand; and skinhead icon has gone and produced a vegan boot. How the fuck do you make a boot vegan? Put some humus on it? Make it out of vines leaves?

Pardon me-  but I'm getting the words - marketing bollocks.


It's a great boot  - you can kick someone's head in; and be compassionate at the same time.

Sales of the vegan range – which replaces the leather upper with synthetic polyurethane plastic – have increased by “multiple hundreds of percent” in recent years, according to its chief executive, Kenny Wilson. 

Never mind that you're flooding the oceans with tons of plastic then ?

Cynical bastards. Woof !

I heard that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson is on the lookout for a rescue dog. Well I'm delighted to announce that well known bottom sniffer - Tommy - 'The Nut Job' - is immediately available.

Apparently this could put Larry The Cat's nose - or should that be paws? - out of joint. Well fuck Larry The Cat. He can take his Twitter campaign and shove it where the sun don't shine.

Boris likes it doggy style - allegedly - so a pooch could well suit him. I wonder what he'll call it. Based on his past form it'll be something unpronounceable.

His first missus was named Allegra Mostyn-Owen, and his next was the vaguely sensible Marina Wheeler.

Allegra, then Marina - fuck me - it sounds like he has a car fetish for British Leyland.

One of his many other 'bits on the side' was called - Petronella Wyatt. So he obviously likes 'em posh, with a public school background.

New girlfriend Carrie Symonds has moved in to Number Ten. She looks like she knows her way around Royal Ascot. As soon as I saw her picture my first thought was - gymkhana.



No doubt when she's had enough and fucked off from Downing Street, the Sun can run the following headline - "Carrie Doesn't Live here Anymore".

I'll give them that one for free - just remember you heard it here first.

Woof !



I see Donald Trump told Boris Johnson to jump last week! Boris then wittily replied - "how high?"

It's about Sir Kim Darroch's candid assessment of the Trump administration. It was he said - quote - inept and dysfunctional.

I imagine the conversation between Trump and BoJo went something like this.


Boris, I don't like that guy Sir Tim. He's not doing me, I mean the UK any favors.

Crikey, I think you mean Sir Kim, don't you Donald?

Yeah that Sir Jim guy. Get ridda that bum. His numbers don't look great.

Crumbs you mean Sir Kim, not Sir Tim, nor Sir Jim. Whaddya - sorry what do you - want me to do?

I want you to jump big guy, I want you to jump when I say so, and dump that asshole.

Cripes I can do that. How high do you want me to jump Don?

It's a BIG number, a really BIG number,  I'm thinking forxty.

Forxty?

Yeah, about that. It's somewhere between forty and sixty feet.

Right, crikey, crumbs, cripes, OK. I'll do it. But I wanna - sorry - want a trade deal.

See that girlfriend of yours, Laura Kuenssberg, she's kinda cute. She's part of the deal OK!

Blimey - I'll see what I can do. A forxty foot jump,  plus Laura Kuenssberg to be phased in by Oct?

You got it fella. - remember your're playing with the big boys now. Nice hair by the way.

Woof !

Blow me - oops bad choice of words. I see our French cousins are getting hot under the collar about the diurnal activities of Maurice the famous cock .. eral.


Maurice has been proudly crowing at 6.30 am for years but now his toffee-nosed neighbors - or 'voisons au nez caramel' as they say in France - are up in arms. Maurice has been taken to court for disturbing the peace.

In 1995, faced with a similar case that led to a death notice being served on a cockerel, a French appeal court declared it was impossible to stop a rooster crowing.

“The chicken is a harmless animal so stupid that nobody has succeeded in training it, not even the Chinese circus,” that judgment said.

Sounds like Maurice is safe for now - ooh la la et Woof ! Solidarity Maurice.

A while back I said that Political Correctness has gone mad. Half jokingly I suggested that a BLT sandwich would be reinvented as an LGBT sandwich. See this link from last year.


Well fuck me Marks & Spencer have only gone and made an LGBT sandwich.

Why is it LGBT? Well it's got two fruits in it for a kick off. Yes every sane person agrees that a tomato is a fruit, as is the Avocado (Guacamole). They're not vegetables are they?

Mind you the tomato has gone on record as saying that it identifies as being non-binary. Why stereotype me as fruit, I can be what I want to be. I'm what Miley Cyrus likes to call 'gender fluid'. Talking of fluid did you see her cavorting performance at Glastonbury; it made my fur go all funny. Anyway she's a lesbo, so she'd be up for a LGBT sandwich of sorts - if you get my drift. Winks.

If the tomato and guacamole decide they want to be vegetables after all; add in the bacon and we've got meat and two veg. Perfect for a sandwich that wants to establish its' trans gender credentials. What about the guacamole? Well it's Mexican or Spanish so that's the racial element of the sarnie sorted.

Woof!


The England Women's Football team have proven beyond doubt that they are equal with the Men's team.

First off they bottled their performance in a World Cup semi-final. And to add icing to the cake Steph Houghton took a piss poor penalty very reminiscent of Chris Waddle, Gareth Southgate and company.

I said it would end in tears and runny mascara, and it did. Woof !


Fuck me; I've just read that a guy in the US of A - where else - has got a travelling companion. A duck named Daniel. And get this the duck's allowed to go on holidays with his owner; he even gets his own seat on the fuckin' plane. How about that? He gets away with it cos he ain't just any old pet - he's an emotional support duck.

Take note Mum the next time you're thinking of heading off leaving me in the kennels. I can come with you instead - free of charge. Just tell them I'm an emotional support terrier with tourettes and I provide TLC. Oh and don't forget you'd be a nervous wreck without me - these things are too big to fly!


If you don't believe me watch this video. I love the fact the duck's called Daniel. Cue for a song.

Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane.
I can see the red tail lights, heading for Spain.
Oh and I can see Daniel flapping (waving) goodbye.
God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes

No it's not clouds in your eyes - the really have allowed a duck on a plane. It's even got a nappy on in case it shits itself on the seat! Given the Boeing 747 Max's track record, that's a good call..

PS: Daniel is a four-year-old Indian Runner duck and is certified for providing emotional support services. I bet his owner is certified too. The thing is - an Indian Runner Duck can't actually fly. The poor bastard's probably looking out of his window seat thinking - if only ....

Woof !

In yet further proof that the world has gone mad, Peppa Pig has been blasted by the metropolitan liberal elite for being sexist. What's wrong with being sexy [Ed: it's sexIST].

Anyways ... The makers of children’s cartoons Peppa Pig and Fireman Sam have been accused of sexism by firefighters.

London Fire Brigade has blasted the kids’ shows for using “stereotypical gender specific wording”.

Such as ? Well fireman for a kick off. This is despite the fact that the show - Fireman Sam - has been on TV with that title since 1987. Apparently it's now wrong to use the term 'fireman'.

What do we need to replace it with?

Fireperson? Nope that's got the word 'son' in it which is obviously reinforcing a male stereotype.
Firewoman? Nope that's also got the word 'man' in it, as per above
Them? Nope, that's got the word 'he' in the middle

It's got to be something that celebrates the sexual diversity of the London Fire Brigade.

I don't know about you; but when the fuckin' house goes up in flames I want someone round pronto who can batter the door down with a sledgehammer; not some demi-tart who'll moan about it being 'too hot' inside.


Here's a picture to prove the worlds gone mad, is it a woman, is it a bloke, or is it hedging its bets and being fifty/fifty?  Sam or Samantha? I honestly can't tell. Just wearing nail varnish isn't enough luv!

Firetran Sam, Firestran Sam
She says she's a girl, but she looks like a man.
Early in the morning, just as day is dawning
Firetran Sams still yawning

So your house is up in flames
But hey - don't call me names.
I'm entitled to be a fireman/woman/person/fighter/operative too.
Under the EU's LGBT Fundamental Rights Act.

etc. Woof !



Shit; I can't remember if I left the oven on !

Woof ! 

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