Never mind Brexit, what about Rex-it? My sources tell me that after the 29th of March it will cost £90 for a pet to go anywhere in Europe. I know it's a moot point - seeing as my chances of going on holiday anywhere - let alone Europe are minimal. I haven't even been to fuckin' Knaresborough recently, so there's no chance of a 'soiree a la France' for me. Me Mum's not rushing to get me a passport for my jollies either - is she! She's been to the Seychelles, the Maldives and all points east. The furthest I venture these days is Stalag Luft 45 - aka the Kennels - with that loopy, bum-sniffing Tommy for company. Next thing I know, I'm feeling a stray paw on my nether regions. All I can say is - I won't bend down to eat my breakfast whilst he's about. I blame Nigel Farage. I bet his poodle - Trixie Belle - is spoiled rotten with truffles on a fluffy pillow for her dinner. I just get whatever scraps are lying around. BASTARDS! Woof !

I see our cousins Down Under have been having a bit of a heat wave. As Monty Python famously once said - "Strewth Bruce; it's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here". With temperatures soaring as high as 50 degrees centigrade who can blame them for repeating that. I've checked things out - and here are some top tips to keep your pooch safe. Provide an ice pack or wet towel for them to lay on. Add ice cubes to their water dish. Get the kids' paddling pool out. Then fill it with shallow, cool water. Offer access in the shade by stringing up a tarpaulin or cloth over a tree. Take a collapsible water dish on your walks. Sounds fuckin' great. Yes I'd like an ice pack to keep my mutts' nuts at optimum temperature. We don't want them over heating do we? No we don't thank you very much! Ice cubes in my water bowl? Yes, but make sure it's the good stuff like Evian bottled water, None of that Yorkshire Water shite from the t...

Just a quick joke for you. Husband: "I've heard the milkman boast that he's shagged every woman in the street - apart from one! Wife: "I'll bet it's that stuck up bitch at number seven !!". Woof !

Fuck me ragged ... are the no depths to which humanity will not stoop? The Liverpool Echo has been carrying a report about a "'Highly intelligent' drug dealer who hid a Kinder Egg up his bum for a Music Festival". The egg contained a drug called MDMA. The 21-year-old offender reportedly had a bag with two yellow tablets and a further 48 tablets, concealed in the Kinder Egg - which he then put in his anal cavity. I hope he wore Marigold gloves for that! It certainly brings a new meaning to the phrase - Kinder Surprise. How intelligent can you be if you put Class A drugs in a Kinder Egg container and then shove it up your bum? Then you're hoping to sell the contents to idiots at a Music Festival. I suppose the numptys at these Festivals ain't too bright - and think the aroma is part of the attraction. Yeah; this is really good shit man ... yep that's more correct than you know! Woof!

That goldmine of news, The Sun - has been running a story for Panto season. Apparently Pantomime bosses have been slammed by dwarfs for turning to cheaper child actors for their productions of Snow White. Hayden Parker, a judge for the British Panto awards said "'It boils down to the fact that in this cost-cutting age dwarfs are expensive. "Using child actors belittles our profession" he said. So "Snow White and The Seven Dwarves", is now - technically speaking - "Snow White and the Seven Minimum-Wage Child Actors - that are Cast As Dwarves". Panto chiefs in their defence said that there was "no need for the dwarfs to make a big thing out of it". Steve Redford, who runs the Mini Men agency, said he has stopped supplying actors to pantos because of plummeting demand. "Sadly" - he says - "demand for dwarfs is much smaller than it used to be". Could this be down to the fact that the salary for a dwarf, erm, dwarfs...

Windows told me I needed a new password. It had to be at least 8 characters long, so I chose 'Snow White And The Seven Dwarves". Woof!

According to reports; two male lions have been seen in a gay sexual encounter in the Kenyan national park. Here's a gratuitous picture of said lions, Roger and Humphrey - boning each other, woof ! Now there have been yet more reports of gay penguins. This time they are named Magic and Sven - and they come from Sydney. Sven has gifted Magic a special 'stone', which the zookeeper explains is - the "equivalent of proposing in the love language of penguins". Really? I mean really? I thought regurgitating old sardines down your throat was a sign of love for a penguin, but what do I know? I can't take any more LGBT bollocks, gay penguins; lesbian iguanas, queer lions or even transsexual chameleons, it's all too much for my doggy sized brain to cope with. Woof!