Me dad says he's never felt old, at least not until his recent bout of hospitalisation, where the nurses all seemed to be about 13 compared to him. Not only that but they all adopted the most condescending manner, in the style of somebody who knows better talking to a really old person, before me dad realised that that old person was him. "Do you think you can manage a little walk, Dave?" (Me dad: "there's nowhere to fucking go, apart from the end of the corridor and back, you soft bint.) "Let's just say to the end of the corridor and back, could you managed that Dave, I'll be here to support you if you get tired." (Dad: what the fuck are you on about, the end of the corridor, there, fifty fucking bastard cock striding yards away, of course I can managed to walk there you soft shite, it's only 50 yards, and no I don't need your fucking help ta. I tell you what let's race it for twenty quid just to make it interesting?). "Oh, well done Dave, that's it, one foot after the other." (Dad: get to flying fuck will you, I know how to walk, I've been doing it for a lot longer than you. Looking forward to Easter are we, what's the Easter Bunny bringing you then?) "OK, let's head back now, we don't want to get ourselves to tired on the first day." (Dad: Fuck off, I'm not tired, we've only done twenty yards.) "Big breaths, in, out, in out." (Dad: FUCK OFF. I can remember how to breathe you know. Jesus wept. Hang on, what comes after in again? Is it another in, or out? I always get them two mixed up. And that walking lark, is it left, left, left and left again? Oops, I think I've wet meself.)
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.