Skip to main content

Old Age

Me dad says he's never felt old, at least not until his recent bout of hospitalisation, where the nurses all seemed to be about 13 compared to him. Not only that but they all adopted the most condescending manner, in the style of somebody who knows better talking to a really old person, before me dad realised that that old person was him. "Do you think you can manage a little walk, Dave?" (Me dad: "there's nowhere to fucking go, apart from the end of the corridor and back, you soft bint.) "Let's just say to the end of the corridor and back, could you managed that Dave, I'll be here to support you if you get tired." (Dad: what the fuck are you on about, the end of the corridor, there, fifty fucking bastard cock striding yards away, of course I can managed to walk there you soft shite, it's only 50 yards, and no I don't need your fucking help ta. I tell you what let's race it for twenty quid just to make it interesting?). "Oh, well done Dave, that's it, one foot after the other." (Dad: get to flying fuck will you, I know how to walk, I've been doing it for a lot longer than you. Looking forward to Easter are we, what's the Easter Bunny bringing you then?) "OK, let's head back now, we don't want to get ourselves to tired on the first day." (Dad: Fuck off, I'm not tired, we've only done twenty yards.) "Big breaths, in, out, in out." (Dad: FUCK OFF. I can remember how to breathe you know. Jesus wept. Hang on, what comes after in again? Is it another in, or out? I always get them two mixed up. And that walking lark, is it left, left, left and left again? Oops, I think I've wet meself.)

Popular posts from this blog

Fucking Passwords

Create a password..... cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.... boiled cabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediatelyYouTwats Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediatelyYouTwats Sorry, that password is already in use! See  Fucking phone calls too

My Mate Frank

Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...

RIP Frank Carson

It's a little known fact that Frank Carson actually got into comedy purely by chance. When he was a young man, he was a church bell-ringer in Northern Ireland, but he was so bad at it that every time he rang the bells, everyone immediately burst out laughing. It was the way he tolled them. Pooh count: two, and one of them a cracker that has your name on it Frankie. You can pick it up from Pearly Gates reception on your way in.