Thomas Bell of Brigg are officially the kindest, people in the whole wide world. Not only are they the first people in the world to ever send me a parcel, they are the first people in the world to send me a parcel of pig's ears. Not just one or two either, 50 of the bastards. 50! That's way more than you get in a poxy packet from Asda. I mean I haven't actually counted them yet, but it says 50 on the box, so that's good enough for me. I'm so excited I'm shaking, shaking like a you know what. No, not a dyslexic on Countdown, a shitting dog, that's what I'm shaking like. 50 pig's ears! It's taken 25 pigs to make them. That's a lot of pigs. I reckon I can do 10 a day, so that lot will last me right through to the weekend. Woooohoooo, party on. I think I should send them something really special back in return. A coveted Nogger's dog white pooh, encrusted with sweetcorn and hand finished by Faberge, on a mahogany plinth is on the way to Brigg right now. Woof.
