Thomas Bell of Brigg are officially the kindest, people in the whole wide world. Not only are they the first people in the world to ever send me a parcel, they are the first people in the world to send me a parcel of pig's ears. Not just one or two either, 50 of the bastards. 50! That's way more than you get in a poxy packet from Asda. I mean I haven't actually counted them yet, but it says 50 on the box, so that's good enough for me. I'm so excited I'm shaking, shaking like a you know what. No, not a dyslexic on Countdown, a shitting dog, that's what I'm shaking like. 50 pig's ears! It's taken 25 pigs to make them. That's a lot of pigs. I reckon I can do 10 a day, so that lot will last me right through to the weekend. Woooohoooo, party on. I think I should send them something really special back in return. A coveted Nogger's dog white pooh, encrusted with sweetcorn and hand finished by Faberge, on a mahogany plinth is on the way to Brigg right now. Woof.
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.