Christmas my arse, I for one hate it. All I get is left at home on me own whilst they all go out on the piss. Didn't get me tea until half past six one night. Half past bastard six. Me stomach thought me throat had been cut. We're nearly out of pigs ears as well, and I don't expect these tight-fisted buggers to cough up for any more in the New Year. Just 'cos they're planning on going on a diet, why do I have to go on a fucking diet? I'm not a great big fat bloater. They are. And another thing, Christmas presents, what are they all about? People spending loads of money to buy other people, many of whom they can't stand, presents which they don't like or shit that they've got already? Me Dad got one of them Bonnie Tyler Sat Navs. Shit it is. Keeps telling him to turn around and every now and then it falls apart. Fucking rubbish. Arse.
Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...