What have they all got in common you might wonder. Well, the answer is that they all do my fucking head in. Especially on a Bank Holiday weekend. Spent in the back of the car. There's still snow on the bastard ground, but it's Easter so the fucking caravan bastards are out in their fucking droves. Slow droves that is. Droves only surpassed by the fucking motor fucking cyclist wankers every bastard where. Hogging the pissing road in their droves. Groups of like-minded fat balding wankers clad in leather with their delusions of being Dennis Fucking Hopper. To cap it all we have Classic Fucking F Fucking Bastard M playing George Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue on the radio. What a load of unmitigated shite that is. Rhapsody in Pooh more like. They're playing the top 300 classic hits of all time. At least that's what they tell us they're playing, in reality it's just a load of tunes nicked from the telly. Including the theme to the Antiques Fucking Roadshow. The Wanktiques Roadshow more like. And what on earth does Fiona Bruce think she looks like? Never in all my born days has anyone so desperately needed a helping hand from Gok Wan than poor old Fiona. She looks like her gran has died, and thrifty Jock that she is, Fiona has thought to herself, well, there's a wardrobe full of shit clothes here, I might as well wear the fuckers. Get to fuck the lot of you. Woof.
Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...