Me Dad's home! He's been away for a couple of nights at some wank do called Cereals, whatever the fuck that is. It sure sounds like a steaming pile of faeces to me. Cereals. Fucking cereals, what's so interesting about pissing fuckin bastard cereals. Pigs eat them don't they? Sausages, yes, put me name down for Sausages 2014. I'll be there at the front of the bastard queue for Sausages. Anyway, he's back, which is nice, although he looks a bit shagged to me. Apparently he didn't sleep very well on account of the fuckin picture of that talentless twat Lenny Henry that adorned his bedside table. He says it was like that film where the kid has a fuckin psycho puppet/clown thing that lives on a seat in the corner of it's bedroom with a moronic fuckin grin on it's stupid bastard face. Always looking at him. From it's talentless face. I mean, I'm not racist, I'm a Border Terrier, but he does look like an idiotic clueless twat when he puts that "chimp" face on doesn't he? A bloke who's only claims to fame are having the catch phrase "Katanga" and having knobbed Dawn French hardly puts him up there at the top of the celebrity A list does it? Fuck off Brad and Angelina, get off the bastard red carpet and wait your turn, here comes Lenny Fuckin Katanga Dawn French Sucked My Balls Once (Allegedly) Henry. Straight in you go Sir Leonard...I bet he hears that all the bastard time. In his dreams. Dreams he's having in a fuckin Premier Bastard Fuckin Inn, with it's purple fuckin sheets, and it's central heating turned up to max in the middle of June. Me Dad says he didn't know whether to open the window to let some fresh air in, and the flies out, or to keep it shut to drown out the noise for the A bastard 15, the poor twat. That's why he had to get pissed every night apparently, so he could squeeze in a couple of hours kip before his next "gig". Tit head.
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.