Vlad The Imapler

Me Dad reckons that Putin looks like a man in the middle of a long, laborious poo, but I've got another altogether more controversial theory. I reckon he's a bender. I mean you never see his missus do you? He's supposed to have one. Lyudmila she's called, but where is she? If she does exist is this just one of those "sham" marriages, like Barrymore's? I mean, all this running around in the woods with your shirt off, come on, that screams "chutney ferret" doesn't it? When did you ever see John Major in the woods with his shirt off? Gordon Brown? Ted Heath? You see where I'm coming from? I reckon that last night's "emergency announcement" to the nation was him planning to tell everyone that him & Alan Carr were an item. He got talked out of doing it at the last minute "you can't tell them that Mr President, not with this Ukraine business going on, leave it a few weeks eh?" You can guess who'd be the giver and taker in that relationship can't you? "Vlad, Vladdy darling, what colour shall we paint the ceiling in the lounge?" Met with "fuck off fruitcake, I'm going outside to wrestle some bears in the woods." To which Carr would say something like "Oooh, your so butch Vladdy, you made me come over all unnecessary so you have, and no mistake." I mean, he might have banned the import of various fruit and veg products coming in from Europe and that, but he's not stopped banana imports has he? Oh no. Or Camp coffee. You know what I'm saying. The pieces of the jigsaw are starting to fall quite nicely into place don't they?