Wooohoooo, guess who's moved in 3 doors up? Trixie the 9 week old Border Terrier! OK, 9 weeks is a bit young for erm, you know what. I mean I'm not that bloke out of the LostProphets or anything. I intend to do the decent thing and leave that sort of malarkey until she's about 6 months or so. For now though we can still proceed with her "training" - in much the same way that me Dad trains me Mum. She's already been to the vets for eating shite apparently. The pup that is, not me Mum. Her cooking isn't THAT bad. Big mistake just diving in and eating shite. Never just go straight in and fill your boots, when you can roll in it first and then eat it. The first thing they teach you in Border Terrier Club that is. Also she will need some instruction on how to play stick. Run after the thing and fetch it by all means, just don't bring the fucker back or they'll only throw it again for you. What's the fucking point of that? You've fetched it, so it's your fucking stick isn't it? Let them run after the fucker if they want it. Simple logic that is. Zoomies, that's another thing she'll need to know about. That consists of running like a nutcase from the furthest corner of the lounge into the farthest away point in the kitchen. We do that 2-3 times a week for no apparent reason. Snudge, that's another one we play, along with sledge. Then there's the pull hard on the lead/drag reluctantly on the lead then trot along at exactly the same pace as your Mum or Dad so the lead goes slack and they think they've lost you game. Always a winner that one. Also there's escaping to teach her about. Stealing food. Vomiting in the lounge, always popular that one. Pissing in the kitchen. Chewing stuff. Snatching sweets/ice cream off small children in the park. Taking over picnics. Barking loudly and throwing yourself violently at the front door when the Jehovah's Witnesses come round - me Dad's favourite that is. Intimidating Mahmood - the Indian delivery man. They don't like dogs. At least not unless they're served with curry sauce and a nann bread. The list goes on. I may have to delay my escape to Brigg to fit all this fucking stuff in.
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.