Scientists have apparently unravelled the entire genetic code of the potato, me Mum informs me. Exactly why she thinks I need to be armed with this information I'm not sure. I unravelled the entire genetic code of three cheese muffins carelessly left below waist height yesterday and got a kick up the arse and no tea for me troubles. Hopefully the scientists concerned will pick up more of a reward than that. A McDonald's spokesperson was heard to say "what's that got to do with me?" when given the news. "When they've unravelled the entire genetic code of salt and a chicken McNugget give us a call back," he added.

There's an app for that. As me old Mum (the four-legged one) used to say "Chummy, son, you can have all the money in the world but what use is that if you're dead?" She was mad as a box of frogs mind. Today all my Jobs will be big Apple-scented Jobs as a mark of respect.....

Apparently scientists have discovered that dogs and humans share the same DNA. Me Dad says that would explain why the kids don't like taking a bath and his ex missus was a bitch. Personally I think he's just jealous that he can't lick his own gonads. Pooh count: three, one that you could hang your hat on and a couple of "sloppy Joes" - nice business.....

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously. "That's disgusting!" shouts the girl. "It's the dog," proclaims the guy. "Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly." Honest, that really did happen.

They say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I say that's bollocks. Well when I say "I say that's bollocks" I don't actually physically say it do I as I can't speak, I think it. Last week I learnt to pooh on the lawn not in the flower beds unless I want a kick up the arse from me Mum. This week I learnt how to roll on me back so that me Dad could tickle me tum. Next week I think that they are going to teach me how to get shit off me back. Pooh count: just the two, it's too hot to bother on days like this isn't it ......

Me Dad just told me Mum that he used the expression 'bumfoolery' on Twitter today. She said "you'll have Stephen Fry on your back you will" - I do hope so....

It's boring now there's no Julia Bradbury isn't it? And as for the aged John Craven, surely he should have been retired years ago along with Michael Aspel and Dennis Norden? Me dad says that he used to rush home from school to watch his newsround on the telly, and seeing as me Dad is bloody ancient then I'm surprised that JC is still going. As for the "John Craven investigates" feature they seem to running very short of ideas, it's only a matter of time before it's "John Craven investigates what's down the back of his settee" if you ask me. I could post him something to investigate I suppose, but they'd need to put that on after the watershed. Here's one for you the BBC: "John Craven investigates why Lenny Henry is about as funny as piles." There's a wealth of material in that one.