Well, I thought I'd seen me Dad in a bad mood before, but tonight takes the custard bastard cream. Apparently he got really pissed off a couple of years back when one of the world's most popular news services, self acclaimed for delivering "the best business news, commentary and insight with unrivalled speed and unquestionable accuracy and depth" used to regularly nick quotes off his blog without specifically attributing to them. Instead they always used to say something like "a market observer says". Which right pissed him right fucking off. Today he tells me that he was doubly right fucking pissed right fucking off to now read the daily market report of one of the large UK grain merchants more or less passing off the comments in his Chicago report from last night as their own. If they wan t his comments why don't they just pay for then, like those nice people at GrainCo, Fengrain and Dalmark etc? To top the bastard lot, this afternoon he tells me that ...

On the radio this morning "Pope Francis is working the crowd outside the Vatican, kissing babies and touching the sick" - they just can't help themselves can they? Woof.

Have you seen it? If not don't. I thought it was an episode of MaterChef to start with, the one where the contestants all have to stuff an oversized Christmas turkey with 50 kilos of sage and onion. When I realised that it wasn't a turkey up there with it's legs akimbo I had to leave the room. One minute right, there's this woman just stood there, then the next thing right, she completely pisses herself. I'm not kidding. Like Niagara Falls it was. She didn't even try and make the loo, she just stood there, like a (literally) big wet lemon. The Severn Bore cascading down her surgical stockings. Put me right off me sausages that did. Even me Dad had to look away, and he used to be in the Scouts, that's how bad it was. Thank fuck that's finished for another series.

Forget about horse in meatballs, look what they've found in cake in Ikea now: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/ikea-pulls-almond-cakes-over-faecal-bacteria-155011322.html (you'll have to copy & paste that bit into your browser) Warning - May Contain Winnets! Well, a little thing like that wouldn't put me off, I can assure you. Rather than have them destroyed they should parcel them up and send the fuckers to me. I love a nice bit of cake after me tea, I do. Woof.

I hear, the poor old dear. And every time Prince Charles rings up to see how she's doing they just put the phone down on him! I think I'm going to send her one of my special limited edition white pooh's on a plinth to cheer her Ma'amness up. She'll soon be back on solids, bless.

Out for a walk the other day we walked past this big field of pigs. I love pigs I do, lazing around all day, eating and rolling in shit, what a great life. And their ears taste nice too, when they've finished with them. Me Dad likes pigs as well, I think they remind him fondly of his ex missus. He said that once when she was eating a bowl of soup she accidentally spilled it all over herself and said "Christ look at the state of me, I look like a right pig." Me Dad said "Yeah, and you've got soup all over yourself now as well." Which he says didn't go down too well. Some people are so picky aren't they? She said "Sometimes you just treat our relationship like a game" to which he replied "Do you wanna go 50:50 on that or phone a friend?" He says he came home from work once and said to her "I've got a new nickname for you." She said "What is it?" He said "Bambi" She said "Aww, is that 'cos I...

The lisping pair of twats. Number one and two in the top songs of the 2000's. No mention of Coldplay or kiss my arse. Fucksticks.