Spotted dick has long been a source of amusement for diners – but now seems to be so much so that waiters in the Houses of Parliament dare not say the name of the pudding out loud. The Daily Telegraph has learnt that staff working in Strangers’ Dining Room, the 19th-century restaurant used by MPs to entertain guests, have resorted to using the name “Spotted Richard” in order to spare the clientele their blushes. Fuck me it's political correctness gone mad. What next? Spotted Dick = Spotted Richard Brown Sauce = Ethnically-diverse sauce Black Pudding = POBO (Pudding of Black Origin) BLT Sandwich = LGBT Sandwich Stop the world I want to get off - woof.

Fuck me I've been listening to the BBC again - I know I shouldn't cos it's a wind-up every time. Some nonce has just been on saying ready made dog food is BAD - and we doggies need GOOD food that is home-cooked. They then proceeded to test their home cooked recipes on some poor unsuspecting mutts. First off was something that contained Turkey, Quinoa and Kale that had been blow dried. What the fuck is Quinoa? or Keenwah as the bloke pronounced it. Bollocks to that. My doggy needs are simple: - 1. Meat. 2. Gravy. 3. Peas ... I fuckin' love peas. That's it. Of course if I'm out and about in the park I'm not averse to a spot of 'al fresco' dining. I don't mind the odd bit of foraging either; like that bloke Hugh Fearnley Whatsinstore. A choice bit of manure or horse d'oeuvres as I like to call it. Follow that up by some cool, long, grass in a bird crap coulis - it goes down a treat. Of course it might come out a bit runny at ...

I see Poundland - aka the chav's House of Fraser has gone into administration. A spokesman said it was "due to a difficult High Street and tough market conditions. Poundland also blamed competition from discounters. Fuck me ... who the hell can undercut Poundland? The shop where you can buy a complete set of steak knives plus a BBQ grill for just £1. Is it "50p-world"? Or perhaps it's "get the two p's from the back of the sofa dot co dot uk" who can sell stuff cheaper than Poundland? I know it must be that bloke from Liverpool from a bygone age - "five blades for two bob". We must really be in the shit now - if shops like Poundland, Bargain Booze and Maplins have bit the dust. I blame Brexit. Woof. Either that or it was selling charcoal fucking toothpaste.

Hey - I know what you're thinking. Am I banging on about Donald Trump again with a headline like Beaver Deceiver? Or ... is it just a cheap way to get yet more schoolboy humour onto the Blog? Actually I'm being environment friendly. Flow devices -aka beaver deceivers - are man-made solutions to beaver-related flooding problems. Traditional solutions have involved the trapping and removal of all the beavers in an area. While this is sometimes necessary, it is typically a short-lived solution, as beaver populations have made a remarkable comeback in the United States. I must admit I have been experiencing beaver-related problems myself, and if beaver's have made a remarkable comeback in many areas - then it's news to me ! Woof. I think we're all agreed that more beavers are only to be encouraged. A beaver deceiver isn't something dreamt up by Mr Trump's lawyers - oh no. It's something that allows them to go about their daily beavering activiti...

My dad used to recount the tale of a school medical, that took place somewhere between 1970 and 1975. It consisted of stripping down to your undies, running around in the gym, and then coughing - while the doctor examined you. The school nurse was also in attendance. One young lad got a bit over-excited; so the school nurse quickly produced a cold spoon. She then uttered the classic line - "take that away - and go and calm yourself down !". From that day on, the poor lad was forever known as "Cold Spoon Murphy". Woof!

Sheriff Donald J Trump walks into a bar in Laredo, Southern Texas - close to the Mexican border. He spits on the bar, places his gun and holster down - and says - "gimme a shot of red eye". The bartender does as he's told; and then glances down at the gun. It has 7 notches carved into it. "Hey senor- what's with the 7 notches on your gun"? Trump says - "well I shot five Mexican's last week. "So ... that's a notch for each one of 'em". Bartender pausing: "well ... what are the other notches for?" Trump: "well, see... they're bonus notches!". "Adios amigo". Woof!

Hey guess what - as well as hating fucking passwords, me dad hated automated voice systems too. Welcome to the WeDontGiveAShit Insurance helpline, to start off please type in your 16 digit account code followed by the hash key. Panics, finds number on a piece of paper, types 4 9 2 9 4 2 9 1 6 1 0 0 1 6 6 6 slowly. Sorry that account code is not recognised, did you forget the hash key? Please try again. Oh fuck I did that wrong it ends in 10 66 not 16 66, types number in again, followed by the # key. Press 1 for inquiries, 2 for claims, 3 for whatever and 4 for fuck knows. For all other inquiries please hold. Presses 2. Great, Press 1 for a new claim, and 2 for an existing claim. Presses 2 again. Moronic music plays. I'm Bored shit less already. OK, you are 4th in the queue, please hold. Moronic music starts on repeat. Still bored shit less; my patience is running out. OK, now enter your date of birth followed by the hash key. Types 26 03 1961 and then ...