Well after last week's unsurprising elimination of little Alfie Suggs, who shit himself during the Technical Round, there are still plenty of contestants left.  Here's little Bratella Johnson, she's a vegan, gluten intolerant, people intolerant and doesn't like being asked to do anything. She's going to fuckin' struggle in Pie Week then if she doesn't like meat or wheat.  After all Mummy 'wheat is murder', all those fields full of crops makes me sick. Plus that goldfish you got for me from the fun fair  -"how would you like to go round in a circle all day in a tiny cramped space?". After Mummy pointed out that they live in a council flat in Swindon, she does know exactly what that's like you little cow. Undeterred Bratella decided to make her pork pie from some nettles with a soggy tofu crust, earning her a now infamous Paul Bollywood headbutt. What we need now are few more PC contestants, like Winston Cadogo who may just possibly be of...

Nothing makes my uncle's heart sink faster then when his other half produces the Paint Chart.  Then she utters the immortal words, - "I think that would look good in the new kitchen". Then she points her finger to a small square on the chart, and he squints at it trying feign interest. "What colour is that?" he says innocently. "Elephants Breath" she says, as if it fuckin obvious. Well no it's no obvious at all, I assume an elephant when it exhales doesn't show off its breath, since its baking hot in Africa and India - which is where they come from after all. "Penguins Breath" yeah maybe you've got an outside chance of seeing that, in the icy wastes. Elephants Breath? It's probably pale shade of grey. Who makes this shit up? Here are some genuine colours from the chart ... Downpipe Drab Railings Ammonite Why not just make names up with random words and be done with it? Biscuit Foreskin Minge Polecat Grey Inner Tube Oh no; she...

Fuck me, yet another load of TV tosh to view, This time it's NOT the Great British Bake Off, it's JUNIOR Bake Off! Who the hell needs to see someone's else's little brat showing off their cooking skills? Here's a run down of the contestants. Alfie Suggs aged 3, he loves beans, every meal features beans. Likes to smear his dinner in his hair and on his face. Tristram Ffforbes-Smyth Rhys-Mogg  aged 5, calls the servant when he wants his dinner. Foie Gras, Beluga Caviar, Oven Roasted Pheasant with Quail eggs, that sort of thing. Chelsea-Marie aged 3; Nevers eats anything until she's screamed herself hoarse for 10 minutes first. Sulks in the corner. etc Who makes these programs up? Junior Bake Off, Britain's Got Toddler Talent. Or Infant War Reporter; where plucky 5 year olds visit war torn Sudan, and report direct from the front line with Eritrea. There's enough shite on TV already without adding Junior Toddler Chef to the list.  Sadly in Episode 1 little...

Donald Trump was involved in yet another controversy today when it was revealed that he's lost the remote control for the telly. I WANNA MAKE IT CLEAR. I DIDN'T LOSE THE REMOTE FOR THE TELLY - MELANIA STOLE IT FROM ME. I phoned the TV shop and spoke in person to the governor. I said - "I just need you to find me a remote for the telly".  "I want you to have another look for it, I'm pretty certain that I had it last and now Melania's stolen it from me". "Check down the side of the sofa, or in her handbag. It could be anywhere. I had it, it was in my grasp, I was watching TV; seeing me being great. It was beautiful. We were ready." Next thing I knew, the remote was gone, and I woke up with the Shopping Channel on. Woof! #stopthesteal

 Donald Trump pardons turkey; even after it voted Democrat. WOOF !

Ahh, at last -some good news. North Korea is starting to press gang household pets; to become dog food for their restaurants. Apparently things are so piss poor over there with food shortages; that they're now rounding up local pooches for the country's takeaways. Still; I'm delighted to report that bum-sniffer Tommy is available for immediate delivery. He may be a third rate pooch - but he makes a first rate second course - woof!

My Dad loves a good pun; whereas I just like a bikkie and to roll in some shit. Some poor doggies are having the floppy bits of their ears surgically removed; it's madness. Just to make them look better? Mind you; if someone wants to remove ... ahem ... some of  Tommy's bits and pieces then you won't find me complaining, the twat. Woof!