All I want for Xmas is you? Nope I lied about that, I want pigs ears, preferably a whole truckload of them. It's not much to ask is it? I bet that if I was an orphan pooch from Bulgaria then the fuckin' RSPCA or the  Dogs Trust would be falling over themselves to get me some. But no, cos I'm not hard up, not got a gammy paw or some weeping sores around my asshole; I get soundly ignored by the - so called - caring British public. Well fuck off the lot of ya, that's my Xmas message to the Nation. PS: my former good buddies at Thomas Bell of Brigg; that message applies to you too! I haven't had a Red Cross style parcel drop of ears for ages! Bastards.

Fuck me, these aren't words I ever thought I'd write. BUT, Jeremy Corbyn; he's a bona fide, certified Fanny Magnet. He may have cocked up the election, decimated Labour's core vote, and lost a record number of seats, but all I can say is; WOAH ! For someone who looks like an irritable woodwork teacher; he's a fuckin' fanny magnet. He looks like this - a bearded wonder. But he's pulled birds like this! Hot latina, Claudia Bracchitta. How did he manage that? Fuck me; she was actually fucking married, to the actual Jeremy fucking Corbyn. Oh Jeremy, tell me again about collective bargaining and the rights of workers to extended pension rights, you silver tongued fox you. Ooooh, just one more time Darling; please explain again how Momentum or the hard left is planning the deselection of non-Socialist MPs? How did he do it? How does Boris do it? Beats me. I have to say right off; you are batting well above your average there mate; so fair pla

Hey Ho. Another day another dollar. I can't keep track of all this LGBT bollocks, which neatly brings me to the case of the transgender woman who actually has a pair! Here she is, Jessica Yaniv, aged 32 Right, I know what you're thinking. The same as me yes - that's not a woman - it's a "fucking bloke" in a dress. That's what everyone thinks, but NO, not her, she, him, it or they. "Jessica" has accused loads of waxing salons of discrimination - just because they wouldn’t trim her pubic hair and leave her with a neat line. She identifies as a woman but still has a penis and testicles. These are body parts that the businesses said they did not offer services for. Fair enough, they are designated as beauty parlours, the clues in the name love. The businesses don't advertise themselves as "butt ugly parlours", or "blokes in a fucking dress parlours" do they? No, they don't. They say - and I quote -that the

Schwamm Bob eckige Hose - that's roughly translated as "SpongeBob Squarepants" for our German readers - or to be accurate reader. There's a bloke in Dusseldorf allegedly who tunes in, although I've never met him, or even heard from. In fact to be fair he probably doesn't exist, I just made it up. There's someone who looks me up from the Netherlands though - so vierkante broek met sponsbob to you Wim! Why oh why am I banging on about Spongebob in German. Well; apparently top footy player Son Heung Min of Spuzz learnt German from him ! No kidding; I'd have thought learning German from a German would have been a better bet. Son also made sure he knew the German swear words from the get go - now that's something I could have helped him with. Jurgen Klopp would be quite a good reference point too. Q: Jurgen how are you feeling about the disallowed goal at United A: Schiesse, das ist eine kliene goal - ****n dumkofp Martin Atkinson. Q: Jurge

Woof ! I've got a new joke for you c/o 'Bonking' Boris Johnson - the gift that keeps on giving. Question: What's the difference between Boris Johnson and Jennifer Acuri? Answer: One's a blond bimbo who'll shag or sleep with anyone on their way to power. And - the other one's Jennifer Acuri. Boris has been in the tabloids yet again claiming he's done nothing wrong - other than award money and contracts to blonde model / entrepreneur through his connections as London Mayor. "I've been a model of restraint" he's been saying today in the papers. The words "model" and "restraint" conjure an interesting image. Woof !

Yet more PC bollocks to report. When you have a kid - or even a dog - and you call it Benny or Tommy or Maddy you've got a clear idea if it's a boy doggy or a girl doggy haven't you? So what the fuck is wrong with that - ah well it reinforces gender stereotypes and we can't have that can we? Why can't we have gender neutral doggies too? My uncle says he's just been reading up about a PC couple from the South West who have named their kid Anoush. SPOILER ALERT - Anoush is a boy! Jake England-Johns and Hobbit Humphrey appeared on BBC One to discuss their decision to keep their baby’s gender a secret, to allow their child to “be themselves” and keep them free from “the gender bias that society places on children”. The couple have chosen a gender-neutral name - Anoush FFS - and the kid's never called he or she just “they”. Even the child’s grandmother didn’t know the sex of the baby until they were 11 months old (although if granny had offered to

Prorogue is a portmanteau word*** It means Pro (fessional) rogue . *** Look it up like I did. Bollie: "Here's another fine mess you've gotten me into, proroguing Parliament". Moggy: "Well you started it". Bollie: "I did not" Moggy: "You certainly did. You said we can shut it down and nobody will be any the wiser" Woof !

Big Log. No, it's not a vague reference to that hit by Robert Plant. It's the best my doggy brain can do when faced with the the bizarre story of the theft of a solid gold toilet from Blenheim Palace. I mean I just get to go on the grass at Jacob Smith's but the two-leggeds have got a fuckin' proper gold toilet worth £4.8m. That's $6m for my American cousins. No I am NOT making this up - see the story link from the BBC here . The work is entitled America and its an actual toilet that you can use - AND it's gold. I just don't get art at all; a fart yes but not art. The artwork - famously offered to US President Donald Trump in 2017 - was a "comment on the American dream" according to its creator. The Chief Exec at Blenheim Palace - Dominic Hare -  said the building had a "a sophisticated security system", but said staff were "now challenged to look hard at ourselves and improve again".. No shit Sherlock. My uncle sa

I'm Dilyn the Dog. I'm a dog called Dilyn. "Dilyn the Dog" shouldn't to be confused with "Dill the Dog" from The Herbs, although he looks just as fuckin' gormless. Apparently he's just moved in to Number 10 Downing Street, something Jeremy Corbyn is HIGHLY unlikely to achieve. So fair play to the lad - although I still don't like the look of him. What is it don't I like? Well he's wearing a pink collar for starters. What sort of boy dog wears pink? A woofter dog - that's what. He's Welsh to boot; so he's probably the "Only Gay in the Village". Looks like he's spoiling for an erection, sorry I meant election. Woof !

Fuck me ... I've done it again. Just when I think the world can't get any more PC; it goes and proves me wrong. Doc Martens - that well known brand; and skinhead icon has gone and produced a vegan boot. How the fuck do you make a boot vegan? Put some humus on it? Make it out of vines leaves? Pardon me-  but I'm getting the words - marketing bollocks. It's a great boot  - you can kick someone's head in; and be compassionate at the same time. Sales of the vegan range – which replaces the leather upper with synthetic polyurethane plastic – have increased by “multiple hundreds of percent” in recent years, according to its chief executive, Kenny Wilson.  Never mind that you're flooding the oceans with tons of plastic then ? Cynical bastards. Woof !

I heard that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson is on the lookout for a rescue dog. Well I'm delighted to announce that well known bottom sniffer - Tommy - 'The Nut Job' - is immediately available. Apparently this could put Larry The Cat's nose - or should that be paws? - out of joint. Well fuck Larry The Cat. He can take his Twitter campaign and shove it where the sun don't shine. Boris likes it doggy style - allegedly - so a pooch could well suit him. I wonder what he'll call it. Based on his past form it'll be something unpronounceable. His first missus was named Allegra Mostyn-Owen, and his next was the vaguely sensible Marina Wheeler. Allegra, then Marina - fuck me - it sounds like he has a car fetish for British Leyland. One of his many other 'bits on the side' was called - Petronella Wyatt. So he obviously likes 'em posh, with a public school background. New girlfriend Carrie Symonds has moved in to Number Ten. She looks like she kn

I see Donald Trump told Boris Johnson to jump last week! Boris then wittily replied - "how high?" It's about Sir Kim Darroch's candid assessment of the Trump administration. It was he said - quote - inept and dysfunctional. I imagine the conversation between Trump and BoJo went something like this. Boris, I don't like that guy Sir Tim. He's not doing me, I mean the UK any favors. Crikey, I think you mean Sir Kim, don't you Donald? Yeah that Sir Jim guy. Get ridda that bum. His numbers don't look great. Crumbs you mean Sir Kim, not Sir Tim, nor Sir Jim. Whaddya - sorry what do you - want me to do? I want you to jump big guy, I want you to jump when I say so, and dump that asshole. Cripes I can do that. How high do you want me to jump Don? It's a BIG number, a really BIG number,  I'm thinking forxty. Forxty? Yeah, about that. It's somewhere between forty and sixty feet. Right, crikey, crumbs, cripes, OK. I'll do

Blow me - oops bad choice of words. I see our French cousins are getting hot under the collar about the diurnal activities of Maurice the famous cock .. eral. Maurice has been proudly crowing at 6.30 am for years but now his toffee-nosed neighbors - or 'voisons au nez caramel' as they say in France - are up in arms. Maurice has been taken to court for disturbing the peace. In 1995, faced with a similar case that led to a death notice being served on a cockerel, a French appeal court declared it was impossible to stop a rooster crowing. “The chicken is a harmless animal so stupid that nobody has succeeded in training it, not even the Chinese circus,” that judgment said. Sounds like Maurice is safe for now - ooh la la et Woof ! Solidarity Maurice.

A while back I said that Political Correctness has gone mad. Half jokingly I suggested that a BLT sandwich would be reinvented as an LGBT sandwich. See this link from last year. Well fuck me Marks & Spencer have only gone and made an LGBT sandwich. Why is it LGBT? Well it's got two fruits in it for a kick off. Yes every sane person agrees that a tomato is a fruit, as is the Avocado (Guacamole). They're not vegetables are they? Mind you the tomato has gone on record as saying that it identifies as being non-binary. Why stereotype me as fruit, I can be what I want to be. I'm what Miley Cyrus likes to call 'gender fluid'. Talking of fluid did you see her cavorting performance at Glastonbury; it made my fur go all funny. Anyway she's a lesbo, so she'd be up for a LGBT sandwich of sorts - if you get my drift. Winks. If the tomato and guacamole decide they want to be vegetables after all; add in the bacon and we've got meat and two veg. Perfect

The England Women's Football team have proven beyond doubt that they are equal with the Men's team. First off they bottled their performance in a World Cup semi-final. And to add icing to the cake Steph Houghton took a piss poor penalty very reminiscent of Chris Waddle, Gareth Southgate and company. I said it would end in tears and runny mascara, and it did. Woof !

Fuck me; I've just read that a guy in the US of A - where else - has got a travelling companion. A duck named Daniel. And get this the duck's allowed to go on holidays with his owner; he even gets his own seat on the fuckin' plane. How about that? He gets away with it cos he ain't just any old pet - he's an emotional support duck. Take note Mum the next time you're thinking of heading off leaving me in the kennels. I can come with you instead - free of charge. Just tell them I'm an emotional support terrier with tourettes and I provide TLC. Oh and don't forget you'd be a nervous wreck without me - these things are too big to fly! If you don't believe me watch this video. I love the fact the duck's called Daniel. Cue for a song. Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane. I can see the red tail lights, heading for Spain. Oh and I can see Daniel flapping (waving) goodbye. God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes No it

In yet further proof that the world has gone mad, Peppa Pig has been blasted by the metropolitan liberal elite for being sexist. What's wrong with being sexy [Ed: it's sexIST]. Anyways ... The makers of children’s cartoons Peppa Pig and Fireman Sam have been accused of sexism by firefighters. London Fire Brigade has blasted the kids’ shows for using “stereotypical gender specific wording”. Such as ? Well fireman for a kick off. This is despite the fact that the show - Fireman Sam - has been on TV with that title since 1987. Apparently it's now wrong to use the term 'fireman'. What do we need to replace it with? Fireperson? Nope that's got the word 'son' in it which is obviously reinforcing a male stereotype. Firewoman? Nope that's also got the word 'man' in it, as per above Them? Nope, that's got the word 'he' in the middle It's got to be something that celebrates the sexual diversity of the London Fire Brigade.

Shit; I can't remember if I left the oven on ! Woof ! 

Spot the racist shoe ... yep apparently even shoes can now be racist. Everyone's copping for it - Katy Perry (and quote rightly), Gucci. Katy Perry withdrew a range of fashion shoes on the basis they had a black face. Why not withdraw them on the basis the entire shoe range looked bonkers? I mean have you ever seen anything a stupid in your life as a shoe with a face on it? Nope me neither. Here's another racist shoe. Why is it racist? Well it's yellow and has slits in it obviously, so it's a thinly veiled pop at the Chinese. Here's another shoe - but this is sexist this time. It could be banned on the basis that's it derogatory to the LGBT community. No one's bothered that you could break your fuckin' neck wearing them. What are the chances of falling over in a pair of them, pretty high I'd say. I think Health & Safety need to have a word. It's -ism gone mad, Woof !

So farewell then Keith Flint. I wonder what they'll play at his cremation? Woof !

My Uncle says this Brexit Bollocks is still rumbling on. As long as it doesn't affect any of the following; then I couldn't give a monkeys. (A) Imports of pigs ears ... or (B) The number of hours I can legally spend lolling about on the dog bed ... or (C) Tariffs on dog biscuits. They do say foreigners may have to go back to where they came from, which makes me wonder where Tommy's from? He might be here illegally, or he could have overstayed his visa. He fuckin' overstayed his welcome as far as I'm concerned. Get the bastard out; and while we're at it let's get rid of some French Poodles; German Shepherds and Great Danes. Woof!

Why is being married like being in a witness protection program? One, you have to change house frequently, moving further and further away from your home base each time. Two. You have to change all your clothes and your appearance. Three. You must sever all forms of contact with your past friends and associates. Woof!

Never mind Brexit, what about Rex-it? My sources tell me that after the 29th of March it will cost £90 for a pet to go anywhere in Europe. I know it's a moot point - seeing as my chances of going on holiday anywhere - let alone Europe are minimal. I haven't even been to fuckin' Knaresborough recently, so there's no chance of a 'soiree a la France' for me. Me Mum's not rushing to get me a passport for my jollies either - is she! She's been to the Seychelles, the Maldives and all points east. The furthest I venture these days is Stalag Luft 45 - aka the Kennels - with that loopy, bum-sniffing Tommy for company. Next thing I know, I'm feeling a stray paw on my nether regions. All I can say is - I won't bend down to eat my breakfast whilst he's about. I blame Nigel Farage. I bet his poodle - Trixie Belle - is spoiled rotten with truffles on a fluffy pillow for her dinner. I just get whatever scraps are lying around. BASTARDS! Woof !

I see our cousins Down Under have been having a bit of a heat wave. As Monty Python famously once said - "Strewth Bruce; it's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here". With temperatures soaring as high as 50 degrees centigrade who can blame them for repeating that. I've checked things out - and here are some top tips to keep your pooch safe. Provide an ice pack or wet towel for them to lay on. Add ice cubes to their water dish. Get the kids' paddling pool out. Then fill it with shallow, cool water. Offer access in the shade by stringing up a tarpaulin or cloth over a tree. Take a collapsible water dish on your walks. Sounds fuckin' great. Yes I'd like an ice pack to keep my mutts' nuts at optimum temperature. We don't want them over heating do we? No we don't thank you very much! Ice cubes in my water bowl? Yes, but make sure it's the good stuff like Evian bottled water, None of that Yorkshire Water shite from the t

Just a quick joke for you. Husband: "I've heard the milkman boast that he's shagged every woman in the street - apart from one! Wife: "I'll bet it's that stuck up bitch at number seven !!". Woof !