Me Dad tells me he was dragged out for breakfast down by the River Nidd on Sunday morning to a well-known cafe with delightful panoramic views. The odd rowing boat gliding past, a few ducks swimming by in the morning sunshine. What could be a more idyllic British Sunday morning scene to enjoy than that I hear you ask, whilst waiting for your breakfast to arrive. It was when breakfast finally did arrive that the problems started. At 11am I'd have thought that "a bacon bun and a cup of tea" would be just that. £5.75 for a bacon bun IS undoubtedly a bit toppy, but he decided to let it go on this occasion. Well, what he couldn't let go of, evidently, is a bacon bun accompanied by slices of strawberry, melon, orange and lettuce drizzled in some fancy lah-di-dah vinaigrette with a side order of chips. Chips, who ordered chips, who eats chips at 11am? And strawberry, melon, orange and bacon? The dirty bastards.
Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...