The kids are doing my head in with this good kid, bad kid thing. The problem seems to be that they both want to play bad kid most of the time. All they seem to do is moan constantly about how difficult school is. "It's not easy you know, you have to do lessons and everything and you're not even allowed to swear at the f***in teachers any more. Look at this mountain of homework I've got, it's going to take at least 15 minutes to sort my way through that pissing lot. You don't realise how hard it is. Look I've got to write my name there and then I've got to copy the answers that they've already given us onto there. The stress is feckin unbelievable. Oh, by the way, I'm staying at (insert random kids name here) on Friday and then we're going into town and to the pictures and ten pin bowling and then MacDonalds and the cinema and then I'm having my hair straightened/curled/styled at that new salon on town where you get a full head massage and as many cups of tea as you want. See that's how feckin stressed I am, I need to do all that just to unwind myself a little. Have we got any chocolate? You should be glad you're not (insert random kids name here) Mum/Dad he/she has been expelled/is expecting triplets/lives in isolation/shot the teacher today/gave (insert random kids name) a hand shandy in science. Christ if only you knew how hard things are for me. Up to here with stress I am. Can I have some money? What's for tea? Can all my mates come in, all of them, they'll be really quiet. Can they all have tea as well? What do you mean you haven't got fifteen portions on permanent standby. Christ you're useless. No wonder I'm stressed is it? Where's my hat/scarf/coat? What? I haven't done anything. Christ, chill out will you. You're a right stress head."
Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...