Why, oh why do the BBBastardC allow this brainless fucking clothes horse to read the news? A more shitter newsreader I've yet to see. DONG. Hundreds of women and children killed in Syrian chemical weapons attack. But let's not dwell on that. Look at my fucking ACE new jacket. Yes, I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it IS a Stella McCartney. And get this. Fucking get a fucking load of this. It was FREE! Yes, fucking gratis. When you're a celeb like me you just get given stuff like this given to you for fucking nowt! Look, look at the shoes. Jimmy Fucking Choo they are. And another fucking freebie. Oh, when I was poor, like you lot, I used to lie awake at night just yearning for a pair of fucking Jimmy Choo's and now I've got a cupboard full of the fuckers! Aren't I simply ACE? Where was I? Oh yes the news. DONG. Thousands of people on the Somerset Levels are homeless tonight as flood waters rise to new highs. Serves the fuckers right I say. Things are fucking fine and dandy up in the Home Counties where I live. The moat is a bit fuller than normal, but that's about it. The moaning twats. Like the skirt? Fucking ace this skirt. That's by Stella as well. Goes really well with the Jimmy's doesn't it? DONG. Not more fucking news, I'm just telling the viewers about my Jimmy's....
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.