A man gets the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, hammering it morning, noon and night when you're not around. To be honest, I'm surprised that you haven't noticed as I really have been tearing the arse out of the job. I don't get it at home any more, although I know that really that's no excuse. I just had a little dabble one day, for a laugh really, and sort of got addicted. Since then I've just been filling my boots. I mean if it's on offer 24/7, and it's free then what's a guy like me to do? I'm only human after all. But, Bob mate, I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies along with my promise that it will never happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, goes into his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife dead there and then. A few moments later, a second text came in: Fcukin' predictive text. That's WiFi not Wife, Bob, obviously.
Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...