The News And "Le Tour"

Andy Murray has reconfirmed his status as a useless Jock bastard I see. There's been a 2.9 magnitude earthquake in the Scottish Highlands overnight. Unfortunately no "Sweaty Socks" were injured. The World Cup Quarter Finals start today, with France against Germany - the rumour is that the French have surrendered already. Then after that we have Brazil against Columbia. Apparently I read that the reason that Brazil play in yellow is because it's the colour of sunshine. Nice one. I can't wait to see the new England brown shirts when they come out. Psychologists examining Oscar Pistorious have said that his mental state means that he's in danger of suicide - especially if he gets himself confused with a burglar. Seeing as he doesn't seem to have a leg to stand on, Rolf Harris has offered to lend him his extra one. Experts say that widespread gambling in Britain is driving families apart. Which isn't true in our case, since me Dad lost all our money on the horses it's brought us all much closer together. The house got repossessed and we all moved into a 12 foot square bedsit. Woof. It's the fucking Tour De Bastard Fucking France round here this weekend. As if I didn't fucking hate cyclists enough already, the road hogging arrogant twats. It will be interesting though to see if the thousands of fans that are expected to descend on us will include lots of fat, old, bald blokes all wearing XXL yellow jerseys with "Wiggins" or something written across the back. Will, Kate and Harry are in town, along with Becks by all accounts. What a thick twat he is. Apparently one half time when he was playing for ManUre, he heard Roy Keane tell Sir Alex Albert Tatlock Nose that he wasn't going out to play the second half unless he got a cortisone injection. So Becks pipes up with "well if he's having a new car, I'm having one as well." Have you seen his missus? Fucking hell, like a fucking stick insect with lips. Apparently they named their first Kid Brooklyn, because that's where he was conceived. I can only assume then that their latest sprog "Harper Seven" was named after the time that she was conceived? Wankers.