Bless me Father, it's been three weeks since my last blog...watched that Bear Grylls programme with me Dad last night, the one where there's about a dozen people stranded on an island trying to survive on their wits (if they can find them). There's a "man" island and a "woman" island. The men are out setting crocodile traps, whilst the women on the "woman" island are all lying on the beach moaning about how thirsty they are, and how dehydrated they are. And they are all lying in the fuckin sun not the shade! The brainless fucking tarts. Then a storm comes over and it starts to lash it down, so what do they do? That's right, they all stand up with their mouths open and their tongues hanging out FFS. Don't bother trying to collect any of it, just open yer bastard mouth and see how much you can quench your thirst and dehydration that way. Oh, and don't bother trying to protect the fire from the rain. The fire that it took you three bastard days to light. I half expected them to start bitching about "I wish these clouds would pass over now so I could get back to me sunbathing. Do you think one should wear the pink bikini, the one with the little daisies on it tomorrow? Woohooo Jemima, look what one has found washed up on the beach, some factor 4 Piz Buin! Will you do my back for me please dahling?" Meanwhile over on the bloke island they're stabbing a fucking 10 foot live crocodile in the head before barbecuing the whole bastard thing in one big man-hit. Did you see that Marathon yesterday? Fuck me that looked like hard work. Mind you, it had been in the fridge for 20 years. Woof! And finally, I read that payday lender Wonga has just reported a massive £37.3 million loss for 2014. They would have broken even if they hadn't borrowed that tenner on Christmas Eve. Woof again!
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.