RIP Ingvar Kamprad - founder of IKEA

Founder of Ikea; the Swedish flat pack furniture company - Ingvar Kamprad - has sadly died aged 91.

He was to be buried in one of his company's self-assembly Koffins. However, the funeral arrangements have been delayed until they find some wooden dowels that actually fit; and the missing allen key - woof.

Their stuff never really caught me dad's fancy. All those incomprehensible instructions in a leaflet that looked like it had been hand drawn by a mentally subnormal hamster. As we gamely wade through Swedish, German, Dutch, Italian, Spanish, French and Croatian, finally it takes until page fucking 8 before we reach the Queen's English. Even Croatian is ahead of us.

He never liked their meatballs either - woof.

Glasto

You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.

my Mum, your Dad

It's a new reality show FFS Endless permutations My Mum, your Dad My Mum, your Mum My Dad, your Dad My Mum, my Dad + your Dad My Mum, your Mum + your Dad Stay woof

it's bin day

I love a by election but only for the nutters who stand in them. I expected the Monster Raving Loony Party but there's a new kid on the block ... Count Binface. So i've been inspired to stand myself as his buddy, Count Benny of Thejets. Just like my inspiration Sir Elton, I'm still standing. My policies include:- Lowering taxes on dog food Campaigning for more poo bins Compulsory banning of cats Gotta go, I ate something 'dodgy' earlier in the park and I think I'm about to lose my deposit! Stay woof

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