Jeremy Clarkson has been reprimanded for saying that striking public sector workers should be shot in front of their families, I read on the Beeb today. I however agree with him, they wouldn't be whining on about their pensions then would they? And think of all the jobs it would create. Pooh count: three, one for the hospital workers, one for the teachers and a sloppy Joe for air traffic control at Heathrow.

You lazy buggers. Drove past Harrogate Hospital on me way for a walk this morning and they're all hanging around outside there with their placards expecting people to honk their horns in a show of support. Well there wasn't much honking going on I can tell you. I'd have honked all over them given half the chance. Was planning on chucking them a sample of my finest on the way back but couldn't fathom out how to use the electric windows in time. Bugger. Watch out for a suspiciously odourous jiffy bag in the next couple of days Harrogate Hospital. The Grammar School better look out too. I can't curl them out fast enough this week.

The M1 was apparently closed in both directions near Sheffield last night after a lorry load of Marmite crashed on the motorway, say the BBC with not a pun in sight. No mention of skid marks on the marmite motorway, or soldiers being sent to clear up the mess or even if it crashed into 25 tonnes of toast heading in the opposite direction. Nothing. This isn't what we pay the licence fee for is it? Not that I pay a licence fee of course, I'm a dog, border terriers are exempt. All I need to do now is find out where the lorry was headed and I can mail them off a few tonnes of my own personal marmite concentrate. It's the same colour but tastes far nicer.

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it has an ear infection. The vet cleans the dog's ear and treats it with anti-biotic drops. He then says to the woman "That's fine now, but you are going to need to treat both ears with hair-removal cream every month from now on to prevent the infection recurring." On the way home, she stops off at the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some hair-removal cream. The pharmacist hands over the cream and says "If you are using this under your arms, then avoid using deodorant for 2 days." The woman says "Oh, it's not for under my arms." "Well" says the pharmacist "If you are going to use it on your legs, don't shave for 5 days." "But it's not for my legs either it's for my schnauzer," ," says the woman. "Well in that case," says the pharmacist "Don't ride your bike for a week."

So it's Thanksgiving Day in the US today. What's that all about? Just an excuse to have two Christmas dinners in rapid succession if you ask me. An American walks into an English pub and asks for a pint of Budweiser. The barman says "You're American aren't you?" The man says, "Hey, yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or my accent?" The barman says "No - because you're morbidly obese." I heard on the radio the other day, and this is true right so you can Google it if you don't believe me, a school lunches bill going before Congress says that pizza should be counted as one of your five-a-day because it's got tomato paste on it! What will they come up with next? Chasing the American dream is exercise?

My God I'm bored. Last week we had all the excitement of a new bathroom being fitted with lots of building types in and out all day, dropping bits of bacon butty and feeding me chocolate hobnobs. B&Q are great at installing bathrooms, they're just a bit lax when it comes to taking away all the old shite it seems. So this week there's nothing going on apart from the odd visit from a passing gyppo to enquire if we want that radiator/those taps that are piled up at the bottom of the drive. You've got to bark at every passing gyppo though haven't you, it comes with the job. Some people say that their wedding day was the happiest moment of their lives. They're the ones who haven't seen a gypsy getting knocked down by a truck. Pooh count: not sure, I turned me back for a minute and the gyppo's must have taken them as well.

Me Dad's donation cheque to Children In Need. Terry Wogan's looking rough these days though isn't he? I tell you what, you can certainly tell it's been a mild winter so far. A bit of a cold snap and I reckon he'll be recording his breakfast show with Jimmy Saville. Pooh count: just the one, and what a steamer it was too. It's a good job the leaves are wet or half the park would have gone up in smoke I reckon. Still, it keeps me Dad's hands warm on a bit of a chilly morning, bless.