Have you seen it? If not don't. I thought it was an episode of MaterChef to start with, the one where the contestants all have to stuff an oversized Christmas turkey with 50 kilos of sage and onion. When I realised that it wasn't a turkey up there with it's legs akimbo I had to leave the room. One minute right, there's this woman just stood there, then the next thing right, she completely pisses herself. I'm not kidding. Like Niagara Falls it was. She didn't even try and make the loo, she just stood there, like a (literally) big wet lemon. The Severn Bore cascading down her surgical stockings. Put me right off me sausages that did. Even me Dad had to look away, and he used to be in the Scouts, that's how bad it was. Thank fuck that's finished for another series.

Forget about horse in meatballs, look what they've found in cake in Ikea now: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/ikea-pulls-almond-cakes-over-faecal-bacteria-155011322.html (you'll have to copy & paste that bit into your browser) Warning - May Contain Winnets! Well, a little thing like that wouldn't put me off, I can assure you. Rather than have them destroyed they should parcel them up and send the fuckers to me. I love a nice bit of cake after me tea, I do. Woof.

I hear, the poor old dear. And every time Prince Charles rings up to see how she's doing they just put the phone down on him! I think I'm going to send her one of my special limited edition white pooh's on a plinth to cheer her Ma'amness up. She'll soon be back on solids, bless.

Out for a walk the other day we walked past this big field of pigs. I love pigs I do, lazing around all day, eating and rolling in shit, what a great life. And their ears taste nice too, when they've finished with them. Me Dad likes pigs as well, I think they remind him fondly of his ex missus. He said that once when she was eating a bowl of soup she accidentally spilled it all over herself and said "Christ look at the state of me, I look like a right pig." Me Dad said "Yeah, and you've got soup all over yourself now as well." Which he says didn't go down too well. Some people are so picky aren't they? She said "Sometimes you just treat our relationship like a game" to which he replied "Do you wanna go 50:50 on that or phone a friend?" He says he came home from work once and said to her "I've got a new nickname for you." She said "What is it?" He said "Bambi" She said "Aww, is that 'cos I...

The lisping pair of twats. Number one and two in the top songs of the 2000's. No mention of Coldplay or kiss my arse. Fucksticks.

Fuck me, less than a week ago it was snowing, yet now at the first sign of the mercury nudging above zero he's back. Mr Fucking Whippy and his fucking merry band and his fucking "the sun has got it's hat on" jingle. There's me trying to get 40 winks on me bean bag in the watery sunshine and here he comes, with his fucking jingle blaring out at ten billion decibels, parks right outside our house, "hip hip hip hurray..." Get to fuck Mr Whippy, or I'll stick yer 99 where the fucking sun most definitely doesn't hang it's fucking hat. What do ice cream men do in the winter anyway? Sit at home watching Jeremy Kyle whilst stuffing their fat spotty faces with Cadbury's flakes that have gone past the sell by date I imagine. The lazy fat bastards. Get to fuck the lot of you, and take your strawberry fucking mivi's and hundreds and bastard thousands with you. You come round here, waking us up with your wanky music. Piss off. We don't want a ...

Amazing isn't it? In the very same week that they've nailed the location of Richard lll it looks like they've only gone and found Lord Lucan too. And in an equally unlikely place as Dicky#3 was secreted it has to be said. In a packet of Tesco sausages no less. Human tooth found in Tesco sausages It would seem that shopping at Tesco is like pushing a trolley around a giant Kinder Egg, you never quite know what you are going to get. Horses, human teeth, bloodied syringes. How very exciting. I particularly like the comment that "she didn't touch a sausage for about a month after that." Phnaar, phnarrr. No chance of a banger there then. It's pleasing to note that they are "confident that the tooth was not in the sausage when it arrived in the store" - I bet that's put your mind at rest. They don't tell us how they reckon it did get in there. Maybe it belongs to one of the staff? On the other hand a customer could have put it there. Looking a...