nPower have apparently received thousands of thank you letters following their latest energy bill price hike. They come from people thanking them for bringing their inheritances forward by a few years. Woof. I watched that EastEnders thing for the first time ever on the telly last night after there was a bit of a panic on when the teenager's iPad broke and he couldn't watch it in his room (at least I think it was EastEnders, it could have been CrimeWatch). It's very similar to Strictly Come Dancing and the X Factor I thought. Fucking shit. Me Dad doesn't care for it much either, he said that he'd rather shit in his hands and clap than watch that again. It's the Bake Off final tonight, we'll all be watching that though, if only to see if Mary Berry has clung onto life for another week. She doesn't look well does she? Like a fucking skull with lipstick on she is. Still, I imagine she'll make a fortune at Halloween, if she can manage to wring another we...

The profiteering wankers. What we do in our house is me Dad pops round to McDonalds on his way home from work for one of their apple pies, and the inside contents of that is so fucking molten hot that we can switch the heating off and comfortably keep warm sat round that for at least three days. This also works with a microwaved bacon roll for anyone travelling on Virgin Trains too. Woof...

Is it any fucking coincidence that on the same day that Joe Public can start selling his Royal Mail shares at a nice fat profit, proving that the government woefully underestimated their value, that the BBC also announce that the Clangers is coming back on our tellies? I don't think so. And here's another thing, they say that electric kettles boil water don't they? Me Dad says that the police took some convincing that he was just testing this theory when he chucked one into the bath when his first missus was in there. And another, 'nother thing, if electricity always follows the path of least resistance, then why doesn't lightning only strike in France? I'm home alone again today, they've fucked off to "work" as they call it. Just me and me blanket that smells of shit, I'm not sleeping on that fucking stinky thing. They never wash it you know, the dirty bastards. Covered in fucking hair it is as well, I think the teenager is moulting or somethi...

This teacher wanker says to Little Johnny "If I give you two cats, then another two cats and then another two cats, how many cats would you have?" (Personally I can't see why the fuck Johnny or anybody else would want even one cat, the lazy, idle fuckers, but go with me on this one) "7!" says Little Johnny. The teacher sighs (they're lazy, idle fuckers as well aren't they? I can only assume that all this happened on one of the rare days when the twats were in work and not on strike). "No Johnny. I give you two cats, then another two cats and then another two cats, so how many cats do you have?" Johnny is already starting to get bored of this fucking stupid line of questioning and feels like saying "My Dad says you're a load of lazy, idle twats, Sir" but he doesn't "7!" he repeats hopefully. The teacher sighs again and gives Johnny his "you're going to end up flipping burgers in McDonalds or collecting the tr...

Have you seen it? Heard of it? It was in the papers at the weekend. It's a new programme on Channel 4 where people "have sex live on TV"  (you don't actually watch them that would be rude, they go into this kind of opaque box thing in the studio - a bit like the tardis but with nipple clamps) and then discuss it afterwards with a panel of experts. It's presented by Mariella Frostrup, or the thinking man's totty as me Dad calls her. So, me Mum's gone to bed, me Dad's channel surfing, and spots that Sex Box is on. So he thinks "well what harm can it do to have a little peek, in the interests of research, like" and up pops Mariella, who sounds to be like she's recovering from a heavy cold and need to get a couple of Lemsip Max Strength's down her neck sharpish if you ask me, but this huskiness is apparently part of her appeal. So Mariella is wrapping up with thanks very much to Martin and Sarah (I can't remember their exact names, gi...

And another thing, if I was a kid due in school this morning I wouldn't bother me arse going in. When the teacher says tomorrow "where were you then yesterday?" I'd simply look at her incredulous and say "well you fuckin started it Miss." Me Dad says that he always used to tell his kids that if ever they were late for school he'd beat the shit out of them, take all their dinner money off them and die their hair ginger. Harsh but fair, that's what he is. This was back in his teaching days of course. Did anyone see Bake Off last night? I only watch it to see if Mary Berry is still alive. I can't stand the lecherous look on that Hollywood bloke's face as he says, salivating "you're little macaroon's are lovely, Ruby" and stuff like that. The big queer bloke got voted off. No surprises there then, his suet pudding looked like a four tonne pooh. That took the smirk off Hollywood's face. He did try and disguise it with a bit o...

Lazy twats. They never go on strike in the summer do they? YOU take your kids off school early for a couple of days to go on holiday and it's like the bloody Spanish Inquisition though isn't it?  One law for you and a completely different one for them eh? No wonder the kids all hate them. Apart from the ones that have run off to France with them that is. And if they aren't on strike they're on a teacher bastard training day. You'd have thought that they'd already be trained before they got the fucking job really wouldn't you? Fuck me, this is a school we are talking about not bastard McDonalds. Somebody should tell them that it's their own time they're wasting, not ours. Knob ends.