Comfortably winning this week's Turd of the Week award is British Airways who can look forward to receiving one of my finest through the post any day now. The cheeky buggers made me Dad pay twice to fly back from Ukraine on Friday after claiming that his original return flight booking was invalid for some reason that they could only explain in Ukrainian. He's not famed for his multi-linguistic abilities me Dad, he can just about order a beer in most languages but after that most things are beyond his capabilities. Clearly when faced with a grim looking female shot-putter in a British Airways blouse saying "computer says niet" thirty minutes before he was due to depart was somewhat un-nerving for the poor sod. I will try and get a copy of his letter of complaint to BA and post it up here for your further amusement next week. That could be quite colorful I sense, judging on his demeanour when he finally did arrive home. He said that if we had a cat he'd kick it. Unf...

Me Dad tells me he was dragged out for breakfast down by the River Nidd on Sunday morning to a well-known cafe with delightful panoramic views. The odd rowing boat gliding past, a few ducks swimming by in the morning sunshine. What could be a more idyllic British Sunday morning scene to enjoy than that I hear you ask, whilst waiting for your breakfast to arrive. It was when breakfast finally did arrive that the problems started. At 11am I'd have thought that "a bacon bun and a cup of tea" would be just that. £5.75 for a bacon bun IS undoubtedly a bit toppy, but he decided to let it go on this occasion. Well, what he couldn't let go of, evidently, is a bacon bun accompanied by slices of strawberry, melon, orange and lettuce drizzled in some fancy lah-di-dah vinaigrette with a side order of chips. Chips, who ordered chips, who eats chips at 11am? And strawberry, melon, orange and bacon? The dirty bastards.

It's going to take an effort of momentous proportions to shift the NOTW from top slot for the turd of the week award, but the bloody teachers are giving it their best shot. Having already pissed me Mum off last week with their strike, they then got her goat even more on Monday with another of their stupid teacher training days. Now they've asked her to run the little fella, wotsisname, to a bloody rounders tournament 3/4 of an hour away, hang around for two hours in the rain and then bring him and all his mates back. Then last night he had to attend the poxy school play until half past eight where he has a bit part containing one line, and the bloody arse-covering headmaster rang up to say that he didn't think it was right that he should be made to walk 500 yards home alone at that time of night. Me Mum was far from happy, pointing out that walking home in broad daylight in mid-July at the same time that he's normally playing out until was the least of his worries as he...

The Grim Reaper has been round again, this time picking up Speedy the hamster. The pets in this place are deserting faster than advertisers at the News of the World at the moment. "Leave her outside for the cats," was me Dad's cruel suggestion. Followed by "OK then, let's tie her to a bit of string and whirl her around our heads to see if we can attract one of those Red Kites that keep flying over." The heartless bastard, I think he watched Kes on Film4 the other night. Me Mum held a simple but moving ceremony at the bottom of the garden and tucked Speedy up for the last time under the Acer, next to Stanley the cross-dressing guinea pig. I hope that the cats don't keep digging her up as we didn't have a spare shoebox handy to put her in. She's gone in "au naturale" as they say. That's it then, just three pets left. Gizmo the hamster, looks a bit frail he does, about 4 or 5 he is which is 180 in human terms I think. Then there's ...

Have already forged into a commanding lead for this week's Turd of the Week award. What a bunch of low life scumbags they are. The only thing that surprises me about their antics is why they would think that anyone would be interested in anything left on Vanessa Feltz's voicemail. "It's Pizza Hut here Vanessa, we're running a bit late with your 84" deep crust hot 'n' spicy as the delivery truck's just lost it's back axle." Pooh count: two, a family-sized Toblerone and a Double Decker, just for Vanessa.

I see that Reuters are reporting that after "six prime ministers in six years of sometimes bloody political upheaval" Thailand has just elected it's first ever female Prime Minister. Are they sure? Are they really sure? Nice walk around the Valley Gardens this morning, chanced across a 3/4 melted cornetto, which is always a bonus. You get a better class of litter dropper round the Valley Gardens. There was an old lady sitting in the cafe, supping a cup of tea and eating a Kit Kat. As she bit into it she got all excited, as they are running this competition at the moment and if you find one with red in the middle you win ten grand. She's jumping up and down going "it's red, it's red!" Her carer said, "no Doris, you've got gum disease, remember?" The Beckhams are expecting a new addition to their happy throng today I hear. Their first girl by all accounts. I'm forecasting 6lb 2oz. I'm not going to bother predicting the weight of t...

Cheryl and Ashley Cole are apparently back together and are planning on starting a family. Ryan Giggs and John Terry have already put tenders in to be the father if it turns out that Ashely is firing blanks, according to my sources. Their marriage originally got into trouble when Ashley found out that Cheryl was miming her orgasms. Real Madrid are said to be interested in signing the England left back, they've offered him 150 grand a week and unlimited texts. Woof.