Watched Celeb MasterChef with the two-legged people last night and that Gareth Gates punter was the only one on there I recognised. Firstly, he appears to have turned into some sort of Morrisey tribute act, as he looks even more like the ex-Smiths front man than Morrissey himself. I kept expecting him to burst into "Heaven knows I'm miserable n,n,n,n,n,n..aw, forget it" but he didn't. In fact he didn't stutter at all. Which got me thinking did he just put that on in a cynical attempt to win a few extra votes in Pop Idol? Not that I've got anything against people who stutter, my mate Derek has a terrible stutter. Every time he introduces himself it's like the opening bars of Match of the Day. De, de, de, de, de, de, de, de de...de, de, de, de, de, de....

THE UNGRACIOUS TWAT. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? ME DAD WENT TO WATCH EVERTON VS THE COCKY MANCS LAST NIGHT.  I HAD TO STAY HOME AND WATCH IT ON THE TELLY AS THEY DON'T LET BORDER TERRIERS IN. WELL WHAT LOOKED LIKE A THOROUGHLY DESERVED WIN TO ME IS CONDEMNED BY BIG NOSE THIS MORNING AS 'ALL THEY DID WAS LUMP IT UP FRONT TO FELLAINI' BEFORE HE GOES ON TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE CROWD INTIMIDATING THE REF! OH THE FUCKIN IRONY. NOW THAT REALLY IS RICH YOU JOCK/MANC HYBRD UGLY BIG NOSED ALBERT TATLOCK LOOKALIKE BASTARD. CHECK THE POST FERGIE. A PLINTHLESS POOH IS ON THE WAY...Sorry about the caps. Still struggling to get to grips with me new smartphone. It's not easy when you have paws you know.P

It's A level results day. Another chance for the great British unwashed to pretend to be American. "I'm like sooo like over the moon, I got like seventeen A stars and I didn't like even bother to do any revision," shrieked Levine La Flurve, 18, of Stoke Newington. "Now I either want to be a doctor or a pole dancer," she squealed. "But first my friends, who all also got seventeen A stars each too, and I are going to hire a stretch limo and drive round town in it with the windows down, playing loud music, drinking blue WKD until it comes out of our ears and vomiting on passers-by. Passing A levels is like soooo hard. Look there's my other friends Tamara, Mmmm Danone and Betws-y-Coed. What did you guys get? Seventeen A stars too? Wow that's the same as me, Tarquin, Ptarmigan and Champs Elysees! Wooohoooo. Daddy's going to buy me another horse when he hears about this...." Fast forward two years "A quarterpounder meal with Fanta, w...

Virgin have lost the West Coast Mainline franchise I see, which should free up some time for Branson to concentrate on providing an even shittier, slower and more intermittent than normal Virgin Media broadband service. In between a few balloon rides and the odd bit of space travel no doubt. If poor old Dicky Boy is at a loss as to what to do with all the surplus trains that he now finds he's got on his hands then maybe he'd like to run them up and down the lines at night carrying the sacks of letters of complaint addressed to him that are mounting up at the post office main sorting office? The hippy wanker. Apparently he was so upset at the news that he decided to go out and drown his sorrows last night. So he walks into the first pub he finds and says "hey barman, I'd like a pint of snake bite, three blue WKD's and a double whiskey chaser please." The barman says "I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid that can't serve you." Branson replies "wh...

Watched him enthralled as he won the men's 200 metres on the telly last night, which he completed at an average speed of 31mph. Which sounds pretty impressive until you consider that if he hits a child at that speed then there's a 40% chance it will die. I'm surprised that health & safety let him get away with it. It was a very enjoyable race nevertheless. In fact I've enjoyed all the races that I've seen at this year's Olympics. Except the French, obviously. Which reminds me, didn't we do well to win the dressage with that French sounding bird? Not that I get the point of this particular "sport" mind. What's it all about? What will they allow in next? Best laid table for a country supper at an Oxfordshire country retreat? It looks like it's just disco dancin' for horses to me. Although maybe I'm being a bit harsh, as they do say that for some it's the only way out of the slums of Manchester for some kids. Also in Olympic ne...

Refreshed from a fortnight at Stalag 45 whilst everybody else pissed off on holiday. They didn't even let me take me iPad in case it got nicked they said, so blogging options were somewhat limited. We had to amuse ourselves by watching the Olympics on an old black & white telly that one of the other lads, Spike, had smuggled in. I'd never heard of the Olympics before. I have to say I really enjoyed it, and can't wait for next year's. Personally, I wasn't entirely convinced that the opening ceremony accurately portrayed everything that is quintessentially British. There was no sign of Simon Cowell or Jeremy Kyle for a start off. I think that we kind of dumbed down Britain, to make it easier to understand for the Americans I assume. My favourite bit of the opening ceremony though was the parade at the end of all the different countries that we've conquered. We're doing very well with all those gold medals aren't we too, unlike our antipodean chums the ...

The Great Yorkshire Slug more like. The town is bastard gridlocked with coaches, cars, pick-ups and all manner of stationary modes of transport. All queueing up in the rain to get into the showground, even though the Farmer's Guardian are reporting on twitter that the car parks were already full at 9.30am. It looks like this year's event has been organised with the customary lack of panache and forethought by Harrogate Bastard Council. I vomit on Harrogate Bastard Council and their constant roadworks, and queues and rival bus companies running competing with each other on the same routes, under the same timetables, carrying two people each in from Wetherby every morning. Kiss my winnet-encrusted arse Harrogate Bastard Council. You are this week's clear winner of a polished pooh on a plinth.