No, not a newspaper, it's a zebra crossing the M62 on that very busy bit to the north side of Manchester. He must have escaped from the zoo, and been trying to thumb a lift back to the Serengeti.

Between red and green? Fuck all if you're a cyclist. I REALLY hate those twats. On the evolutionary scale they are on the same rung of the ladder as Morris Dancers, and we all know what a sad little gang of wankers they are. One minute they're a road user (cyclists, not fucking Morris Dancers, keep up will you) - demanding equal respect with drivers - the next they're mounting the fucking pavement to dodge the lights scattering pedestrians hither and dither. If not that then they're cycling 14 abreast down the fucking A59 in their fucking gay lycra pants. Get to high fuck in the Kindom of Fuck you fucking bum fettling bent as a nine bob note chutney ferrets.

Is it just me or is it getting increasingly shit? It gets more and more like Blue Peter every week. "Hello, look at the lovely little fluffy bunny rabbits. Later John will be investigating cheese, whilst down on Adam's farm we're going to be making sheep out of pipe cleaners, putting a new sticky backed plastic roof on the barn and using some tin foil to make a pond for the ducks. But first the new gay bloke is going to talk to you about Morris Dancing, which is making a comeback after being almost extinct 20 years ago...." There's a reason it was almost extinct you twat, 'cos it's fucking shite that's why. And who are these wankers that have brought the stupid fucking thing back to life? They should have left it dying in the fucking gutter, with it's stupid twatting knotted hankies and it's fucking bells and daft hats. We should put them up against the fucking wall and shoot the bastard lot of them. That'd solve the fucking rural housing s...

Did you know it's his birthday today? No? It's all right, neither does he! Woof. I've sent him a few of my favourite German jokes to cheer him up. Here's just a couple of them: Two German men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your Mum's house." The other man replies: "Yes, I'm afraid that she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit." A black man goes to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says, "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says, "I just got back from a funeral." A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Both of them hit the ground at the same time as hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity. Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? No? You should go and have a look, it's really nice. How ...

Well fuck me sideways, me Mam and Dad went away for Christmas, and get this, they actually took me with them! A whole week in a cottage by the sea. There's all sorts of shite to eat on your average English beach you know, it was ace. Dead crabs, bits of decomposing fish, seaweed, mussels, I even bagged meself a severed seagull's head once. Me Dad decided that a bit of tug and war was in order with that one, we had a whale of a time. Him pulling on one end and me the other. Fucking covered in blood at the end of it he was. A proper family Christmas. He took me to the paper shop one day, actually INSIDE the paper shop, not tied up outside like he usually does. What a fucking place that was, there was sweets and chocolate and all sorts of stuff all over the shop. Have you ever tried wresting a packet of Swizzels out of the jaws of a Border Terrier? Me Dad has. There was this magazine on sale in there called Bella. Have you heard of it? There was a picture of some old tramp stood n...

Got me first Christmas card, and frankly probably me only one, from the only people in the world who really care about me - Thomas Bell of Brigg, the country's leading fertiliser importers. Me Mum and Dad can't be arsed to send me a card or bugger all, the tight bastards. I'm pinning me hopes on me old mates to replenish my now badly depleted supply of pigs ears in time for 2014 too, as there's not much chance of a Christmas prezzie for yours truly off anybody else in our fucking house. Bastards they are. I've got about as much chance of getting anything of me Mum and Dad as Ronnie Briggs has of winning Strictly I reckon. It occurred to me this mornin that if old Ronnie was still robbin trains in this day and age, him and his mates could simply have scattered a few leaves on the line. Job sorted. Either that or just wait for the wrong type of snow to fall. All the Great Train Robbers are dead now apparently. Apart from Virgin who charge a fiver for a microwaved baco...

Came home from work early last night with a package under his arm. "I've bought one of those new Man United lamps," he said to me Mum. I have to say, it looks really good in the middle of the table. Woof. I hope he comes home early again tonight, I'm dying for a shit. And I'm fucking starving.