Did you know that statistically speaking, you are more likely to get bitten by Luis Suarez than a shark? Woof.... Christ that was a right twatting for Brazil last night wasn't it? Can't say I'm sorry, even if it does mean that Germany are in the final. That gives me a good opportunity to tell one or two of my favourite German jokes though. Two German blokes are in a bar, and one says to the other "I saw a long queue of men waiting outside you house last night whilst you were out, and your missus kept letting them in one by one every half hour or so!" The other German replies "Yes, sadly she has turned to prostitution to subsides her drink and drug habit." That's about as funny as it gets in Germany. I say, I say, I say, why aren't there any asprin in the jungle? Because the retailing of pharmaceuticals in a largely unpopulated rainforest isn't economically viable. Woof.

Any headline featuring the words "Gay Cake" has to be worth a read, right? So this one obviously caught the eye from the BBC: 'Gay cake' row could end up in court. Essentially, it's about a Northern Irish bakery that refused to take an order for a wedding cake from a pair of chutney ferrets. Unfortunately the fudge packers concerned elected to place their order with a "Christian" bakery, probably unaware that such things exist. But then again, this is Northern Ireland we are talking about. The "Christian" bakery told them to feck off, which in itself seems to contradict the word "Christian" to me, but I digress. Marriage is supposed to be the union of one man and one woman, they said. Or in me Dad's words "an expensive waste of time between one man and various women (although at different times obviously)". Apparently MrsN#1 is presently on her way to Malaysia to help the hunt for missing flight MH370. Me Dad says that s...

Denies that he once "touched up" Vanessa Feltz, he says he simply thought he was sedating a hippo on Animal Hospital. Talking of Rolf, or "rolfing" to be more precise, I got into the teenager's bedroom at he weekend. A rare event indeed for the door top be open, and what a fucking mess that was/is. I can see why she keeps the door shut and the blinds closed now. I just thought she was a fucking vampire. Have you ever seen one of those compulsive hoarders programmes on the telly? Where they keep all the old TV Times's from the 60's to the present day, grandma's old clothes, the engine from a washing machine that died in 1974, and that useful collection of odd socks? Shite all over the carpet, or the "floordrobe" as me Mum and Dad wittily call it. Still, in among that shite was some chocolate. I say was, as I obviously saw it as my duty to help clean things up a little. Well, when I say clean, "redistribute" is possibly a better wor...

Andy Murray has reconfirmed his status as a useless Jock bastard I see. There's been a 2.9 magnitude earthquake in the Scottish Highlands overnight. Unfortunately no "Sweaty Socks" were injured. The World Cup Quarter Finals start today, with France against Germany - the rumour is that the French have surrendered already. Then after that we have Brazil against Columbia. Apparently I read that the reason that Brazil play in yellow is because it's the colour of sunshine. Nice one. I can't wait to see the new England brown shirts when they come out. Psychologists examining Oscar Pistorious have said that his mental state means that he's in danger of suicide - especially if he gets himself confused with a burglar. Seeing as he doesn't seem to have a leg to stand on, Rolf Harris has offered to lend him his extra one. Experts say that widespread gambling in Britain is driving families apart. Which isn't true in our case, since me Dad lost all our money on the...

No sooner do I "out" that Suarez creature as the "dirty, sweaty, cheating, biting, diving, racist slimy little twat," that he undoubtedly is than he goes and does it all over again. Has this low-life got no dignity? Obviously not. Money can't buy you dignity can it you twat? Milliseconds after biting the Italian guy he throws himself to the deck clutching his face like he's the one who's been on the receiving end. I mean I don't condone violence, but have you ever wished that, just once, a footballer might turn round and really welly the tit head? Give him a right good proper full on Royal twatting with all the trimmings, not just a bit of an elbow, something like the Nicholas Cage scene in Face Off where he smashes that fellow convict to a blubbering pulp with a metal canteen tray with a crazed look in his eye - the more he hits him the more he likes it. So you can see the outline of his face through the aluminium. All the crowd cheering wildly. Tha...

Fuck off you dirty, sweaty, cheating, biting, diving, racist slimy little twat. A few misguided red-nosed Kopites might "think" that they like you, but they'll soon change their minds when you want away (again) after the World Cup is over. It wasn't after all that long ago that you wanted to leave the last time was it? Because you said that nobody liked you in this country. You're wrong Luis, it's not that nobody likes you, it's that everybody fucking hates you, you hamster faced twat. The Archbishop of Canterbury, the Queen, Joe Pasquale, Des O'Connor and even Graham Norton all think you're a twat. So get to fucking fuck, in the Kingdom of Fuck, fuck-face, and don't forget to kiss your sweaty fucking wrist band on your way out to BarcaFuckingLona or wherever you end up. Anyway, at least "Stevie Me" can say he's done the double this year - fucked up both Liverpool and England's chances of winning anything. Woof.

Has kicked off then I see. Me Dad's all set. He's got himself all "beer co-ordinated" he told me Mum. He's got some Becks in the fridge for when Germany are playing because it's German. Some San Miguel in the fridge for when Spain are playing as it's Spanish and some Carling in the fridge for when England play as it's shit. Woof. "Stevie Me" says that England players have been practising for any possible upcoming penalty shootouts by turning away in disgust and looking dejected. Woof, woof.