Goes into a sweet shop and says "how much for a quarter of pic n mix please?" The shopkeeper says "it's a pound, Sir." Van Gaal says "I'll give you fifteen grand and that's my final offer." Woof.

Am I the only one who doesn't give a flying fuck? If the sweaty socks want to be independent then let them fuck right off and be independent. We'll have our North Sea oil back, it's our oil, in our North Sea where WE found it, so we're fucking having it right? You can have Lulu back and keep your deep fried Mars bars and your wanky bank notes. That's fair. When they ring us up and say that they've changed their minds and this independence lark isn't all it was cracked up to be we'll just put the phone down on them, saying something polite like "I'm sorry, you're independent, now fucking do one sweaty or I'll call the police." Whilst we're at it can't we force the Welsh to be independent too?

We went for a nice walk at the weekend, sat at the cafe in the park and ate sausages and bacon in the sunshine. Foraged a few discarded Haribo's too. Fucking ace it was. Talking of "walking" - did you hear about that blind bloke who climbed Everest? What a fucking achievement that was. Especially as he was dragging a frozen Labrador behind him. Woof.

They go back to school next week, hoo fucking rah, and good riddance to the lazy idle bastards I say. I'll have the house to meself, sleeping all day in a nice sunny spot by the window. Yes, I did say sunny, because the sun is coming out bang on cue once the great unwashed go back to school. That's what the Met Office say anyway: "fine and dry weather next week as high pressure dominates" - bring it fucking on. They've done my bastard head in this last 6 weeks. They live like fucking pigs. You can't see the fucking floor in the big one's room you know. It looks like there's been a fucking explosion in there. We've no idea what colour the fucking carpet is, or even if there IS a carpet in there. And as for the other fella, don't you think that nearly 15 is a bit old to be out "playing" and having "sleepovers"? It all sounds a bit fucking gay to me. He's got an earring you know. A fucking earring. He'll be joining the ...

"France tells citizens to flee ebola" was the headline in the paper today. I thought, fuck me, it's not like the French to run away at the first sign of trouble is it? Why did the Man Utd fan cross the road? To see how much a season ticket was at the Etihad. Me Dad was talking to this guy in the pub yesterday, and me Dad (mistakenly thinking that he's funny) says "What do you do if you see and epileptic having a fit in the bath" and before he could deliver the punchline a bloke sat a few feet away said "Do you mind, my son was an epileptic, and he died in the bath." Me Dad says "Oh, I'm sorry mate, it was only a joke, did he drown?" The bloke says "No, he choked to death on one of me socks." Woof.

On reading the headline "Thousands Gather For Ferguson Funeral" to discover that the Jock twat is still with us and they were referring to some place in America. I was so disappointed that I simply had to go out and roll in some shit. All down the side of my neck and face it is. Me Mum said she will try and brush it off me later when it dries. Me Dad said that they should try and kick it off there and then, which I thought was a bit harsh. I probably won't get let off me lead for a couple of weeks now. The bastards. Sad to hear of the death of Sir Dicky Attenborough today. Ghandi star Ben Kingsley said that "millions were touched by him" and I thought "crikey, here we go again then, and he's not even cold yet." In other news today, they reckon that Ebola has arrived in the UK. Arsenal are apparently set offered him a 3-year contract. Woof.

So today is A level results day. Those that didn't get the grades they hoped for should take a look at Richard Branson. He left school with only 2 'O' levels, but look at him now. A bearded twat that everybody hates! Woof.