Easy, so that they'd have a team to support in Euro 2016! Woof. Well, me Mum and Dad went away again this weekend. Leaving me and Tommy Knocker in Stalag 45 for another 3-day stretch. You can't get a minutes bastard peace in that place. If they aren't taking you for a walk, they are putting you in the day run - or the gay run as I call it as there's always an Alsation or something in there that want's to hump you. It's like being in fucking Shawshank that place. It's almost a relief to get back to my "cell" with Knocker. At least he seems to have got the message that I'm no Graham Norton. Talking of whom I see that he's said he'll open his back door to let a few refugees in no problem. Give him his due, Sir Bob Geldof has said that he'll happily take a few families in as well, although with his parenting track record I'm not so sure I'd want to go there.

Dear maker of Alpen, why don't you try packaging your product in a colander? That way we can tip even more of it all over the worktop when trying to pour it into a bowl than we do already. Cunts. Me Dad went into the supermarket the other day to buy a cheap bunch of flowers. The girl behind the counter rolled her eyes and said "Come on then, what have you done?" Me Dad said "I've just killed a cyclist in the car park." These three lads are sat in the pub when a bloke walks in, a bit tipsy, orders a pint, and stands at the bar drinking it. He looks around, see the three boys and saunters over, and says "I've sucked your Mum's tits" to the one in the middle before wandering back to the bar. They all look at each other aghast. Ten minutes later he's back "I've seen your Mum's minge" he says again to the lad in the middle, before wandering back to the bar cool as you like. Ten minutes later he's back again "I'...

They scored a goal, they didn't get beat, they're off the bottom of the table and Adam Johnson's girlfriend did really well in her GCSE's last week. Woof. Reports that the guards on that train that the Moroccan punter attempted to run riot on with a Kalashnikov over the weekend locked themselves into a secure area ignoring passenger pleas for help/to let them in was outrageous, but somehow not surprising considering the nationality of the individuals involved. For sale: French army officer's WW11-issue rifle, mint condition, never been fired and only been dropped once.

Apparently the Monkees have reformed and are to fly to the UK to play a gig in Birmingham (or kiss my arse Brimingham as me Mum fondly calls it) in September. They were asked to perform in Hartlepool too, but the decided to pass on that one for obvious reasons. Woof.

Stephen Hawking is apparently working on a theory that he says will enable him to predict the precise location of everything in the entire universe. Which is handy, 'cos me Dad says he'd love to know where the wanker that put that dent in his bumper in Sainsbury's car park the other day lives. Woof. Me Dad was saying last night that his first missus once asked him if he fancied a bit of doctor and patient role play. So he said, go one then, I'll give anything a try the once. So he put a white coat on, sat her down and said "I'm sorry MrsN#1, but I'm afraid I have to tell you that you're morbidly obese." Which went down a storm apparently.

Walked a bit, ran around a bit, woofed at Stumpy the postman a bit, shat a bit, woofed that the foreign looking gentleman that stuck the Dominos menu through the letterbox a bit, slept a bit - well quite a lot actually. Pissed rather a lot too. Little ones everywhere. Did a big one first thing, obviously. Then lots of small ones here and there. Looked at the clock a bit - still 4 hours to tea-time o'clock. Highlight of the day so far definitely getting a pigs ear when we got back from the walk. My mates Thomas Bell sent me another box full last week, cheers guys. You really are the kindest, nicest, fertiliser importer in the world. Gotta share them with Fuckwit though. I can't believe how long he takes to get through one, about 15-20 minutes, the tart. 1 minute, 32.4 seconds is my personal best. Fucking love pigs ears I do. They chaff a bit on the way out though. Anyway, me joke...This man's walking along the road right, and he sees this lamp in the gutter, so he picks it u...

Me Dad says that when EE told him he had unlimited calls and texts that he didn't realise that they meant from people saying that they have been trying to get hold of him about his recent accident. Fuck off you twats. We've been trying to get hold of you, we've got the money, don't worry about that, just give us your bank details and we'll wang it on in there this afternoon. What, you haven't had an accident. Don't worry about that, they've coughed up anyway. It'll be our little secret. He still hasn't heard back from that son of the prince of wherever it was that needed his help to get that money out of Nigeria just after the prince was killed in that plane crash. I say, I say, I say, my guide dog's got no nose. Really, how does it smell? (Jumps) Who the fuck said that? I made that up meself. Here's another. What's yellow and cooks dogs? No, not Kim Sun Young, me Dad's car! Fucking sweltering in there is was this morning when I p...