Hey it's Chinese New Year; and 2018 is the Year of The Dog. That gives me the chance to retread one of my Dad's favourite old jokes. Question: How does a Chinaman take his dog out? Answer: carefully, and with oven gloves - woof. Do they really eat dogs in China? I've seen it on telly so it must be true. As they say over there - a dog isn't just for Xmas. If you're lucky they'll be some left over for Boxing Day. Mind you I wouldn't mind if by chance Tommy 'disappeared' into some Dim Sums or a Chop Suey. That would suit me down to the ground, and I could get the place back all to myself. Happy New Year - Woof !

A BIG welcome to Noggski's Doggski's Blogski to all my Russian and Ukrainian friends. My uncle tells me that the Dog's Blog is followed all over the world, from the USA (we used to own that) to Canada (we used to own that too) and of course Australia (ditto). But blow me - turns out that I've got lots of chums in Russia, AND Ukraine too. I'd say I've got more friends in Russia than Donald Trump - allegedly. However unlike old comb-over face; there's cast iron proof of my connections. I might send him a tweet about that. Apologies for the lack of swearing in this post. It's just that now I know the Russians are watching me I have to be careful what I say. NOT that there's been ANY hint of interference or tampering with the blog. However, can I just say how much I love President Putin! If I step out of line or say the wrong thing - I might get taken out. And when I say - "get taken out" - I don't mean for a walk round Jacob Smith...

I've decided to have a style makeover, in keeping with my new found status as the Modern Artiste - aka Poohgle. Here's an exclusive pic from my forthcoming photo shoot for Woof Magazine! Mind you that magazine does my fuckin' nut in, it's full of bollocks.  I'm not even the headline on the front page - where I DESERVE to be. Just look who's ahead of ME.  1. Gemma from Towie - "my private grief at loss of my grandma". If it's private grief, luv, how come it's plastered over pages 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. Plus there's a photo shoot of the wake afterwards.  2. "Kaden dumps Jaden" - hold on I might have got that wrong. Is it "Jaden that's dumped Kaden?". I've never heard of either them, so fuck knows.  3. "Jordan - I've tattooed my quim". Jordan shares her new saucy tattoo with us. It's for my boyfriend(s) eye(s) only she claims. What does it say - it's a curly arrow pointing a...

I've got to stop reading BBC news - every time I do, I come away thinking how much more PC bollocks can a terrier take? This week, the Birmingham Repertory Theater has got a new play on for the children at half-term. No wonder me Mum calls it "kiss my arse Birmingham". The play is called Penguins. It's based on the real story of two chinstrap penguins from New York Zoo, called Roy and Silo. No,  I've never heard of chinstrap penguins either, but hey, let's go with it.  They have to incubate an egg, and then raise the chick. Sounds good I hear you say - the kids will f*****n' love that. Two cute little penguins facing the adversity of an arctic winter, all set to music. But hold on - these penguins are BOTH male. According to the theatre, Roy and Silo are GAY penguins, I'm amazed they don't come from San Francisco. L ike any other penguins  they can walk, play, swim and dance together. Happily there's no mention of any of the other activ...

Founder of Ikea; the Swedish flat pack furniture company - Ingvar Kamprad - has sadly died aged 91. He was to be buried in one of his company's self-assembly Koffins. However, the funeral arrangements have been delayed until they find some wooden dowels that actually fit; and the missing allen key - woof. Their stuff never really caught me dad's fancy. All those incomprehensible instructions in a leaflet that looked like it had been hand drawn by a mentally subnormal hamster. As we gamely wade through Swedish, German, Dutch, Italian, Spanish, French and Croatian, finally it takes until page fucking 8 before we reach the Queen's English. Even Croatian is ahead of us. He never liked their meatballs either - woof.

I have just read on the BBC web site that there's a Killer Whale that has been taught to speak through it's blowhole. That reminds me of Diane Abbott - she is well known for doing that too. This could be the birth of a new joke. Question: What do Diane Abbott and a Killer Whale have in common ? Answer: They're both big, black, and talk through their blowholes. Apparently the Whale can just about say the number 3. So - that's something else they both have in common. Woof !

Modern art ... I just don't get it. My uncle went to an art gallery last week, I don't want to publicize where exactly; but let's say hypothetically it was the Tate Modern, at the Albert Dock in Liverpool, postcode L 3, 4 B B. What the fuckity fuck is this all about? We've got 2 bits of wood; one a long plank and the other a short post joined together to make the letter Y. So far so good, but then .. and I kid you not ... it had some of the artist's own hair stapled on at the end. WHAT THE ****? It's meant to symbolize the rural Scottish economy or something. But .. it's just two bits of wood with some hair on it, not a fucking Michelangelo. [Fuck me ragged - this is it] It set me thinking that I should reinvent myself ... ergo I am no longer Benny, a Terrier with Tourettes. From now on I wish to be called the Artist Known as Poohgle. The 'enfant terrible' of the art world as one critic called me. I don't want to boast or anything b...