I see that a lorry load of chickens that crashed on the M62 near Manchester this morning brought chaos for motorists on the morning commute. The chickens were on their way back from Merseyside where Liverpool supporters had been busy counting them for the past few weeks. Woof.

Caught ten minutes of her on the telly last night, whilst waiting for something better to come on. Of all the TV chefs in the world she must be right up there as possibly the worst, surely? She looks like the auntie that nobody likes, but you have to round to her house on Boxing Day for a sherry and a mince pie just for your Mum's sake. She has this horrified look of disgust on her face when she's preparing her food, like she's washing a tramps cock or something. And she talks to you like your a child. "Today I'm going to show you how to peel a potato..." Get to high fuck, in the kingdom Fuck, Delia. Keep on going straight through the Championship and into the Isthmian Premier League, there's a big match against East Thurrock United to play next week. There, there, don't cry you sour faced, talentless, condescending old bag...

His lawyer says that the CPS case against him dragged on for far too long and has damaged his client's health. It certainly hasn't damaged his fucking appetite though has it, have you seen the size of the twat? He's fuckin enormous. Our Freddie has been eating more than just hamsters by the looks of him. I reckon the police want to investigate if he's been eating kids, not abusing them. Woof.

Me Dad's just finished making his first ever batch of homebrew. He says it slips down nice and easy. So he's calling it Steven Gerrard. Woof. Jurgen Klopp has ruled himself of the Manchester United job, but says that his brother Klipperty might be interested. Woof. That's about it. Shows you what a fucking exciting weekend I've had doesn't it?

Me Dad says his dander was well and truly got this morning after he saw a news story mentioned on Twitter that caught his eye. "EU wheat crops 2014 expects 2% rise compared to 2013" was the headline. Link here (if you can't see/click on the link it's all to do with HTML 5, so you can copy and paste this into your browser window: http://agri.eu/eu-wheat-crops-2014-expects-2-rise-compared-to-2013-news5707.html). Was there anything in the story that he didn't know already, he wondered? Alas there was NOTHING in there that he didn't know already, seeing as he wrote the fucking bastard thing himself just yesterday! To top off the whole thing the fucking dirty robbing Johnny Foreigner plagiarist stink monkeys have gone and stuck a fucking copyright notice at the foot of it! They come over here, stealing our market reports...If I had a vote, I'd be voting Nigel Farage after this.

Let down badly by me Mum and Dad as usual, fuck all sign of anything chocolately. The day was however well and truly saved by me old reliable muckers, Thomas Bell & Sons of Brigg, the country's premier fertiliser suppliers, who very kindly sent me a box of pigs ears to keep me from wasting away. Other than that there was fuck all of any significance to report. David Moyes is getting an extra long Easter break, I see. Ryan Giggs has been put in charge of United's "affairs" until the end of the season, as he's a bit of an expert in that particular department. Giggs told Sky Sports that he was delighted to be able to follow in the footsteps of his all-time hero Tommy Docherty. The interviewer said "surely you mean Sir Alex Ferguson?" Giggs replied "Why? Was he knobbing the physio's wife as well?" Woof.

Got taken to the beach on Friday for game of stick. For the uninitiated, stick involves them throwing a stick into the sea, and me running in and retrieving it. Fucking freezing cold the bastard North Sea is at this time of year. In and out, in and fucking out, soaked wet through, covered in fucking sand I was. The tight bastards. I think they're losing it, seriously. Why on fucking earth would they assume that the first time I bring them back their fucking stick, that I want them to promptly chuck it back in again? It has no logic, look here's your fucking stick, keep hold of it this time will ya? But no, straight back in the fucking North Sea it goes, with me expected to go and get the fucker back. Still, at least afterwards we did pay a visit to Mrs Sausage as they call her, for an al fresco breakfast and a cup of tea. When we got back we watched Pointless Celebrities, have you seen that? Basically it consists of lots of old people who used to be famous, having one last shot...