Me Mum and Dad took me to the pub yesterday, which meant that Me Dad had to get some cash out on the way. Get this right, where we live, when you need cash, you just go to this magic thing called "the hole in the wall" and type in how much you want and it gives it to you! How afuckingbout that! And when you've run out, you just go back and it gives you some more! I don't know why the soft fuckers go out to work all day, what's the fucking point? Anyway, we get to the hole thingy, and there's two people in front of us, they are probably married, but I don't know for sure. I didn't ask to see a marriage certificate or anything, but they looked married, right? A man with a stick (the lazy twat) and a woman. The bloke is wearing large very dark sunglasses. In the middle of bastard winter right, dickhead. He's got a dog, one of them Alsation things. And get this, it's got a fucking hi-viz jacket on and some sort of "handle" coming out of i...

What an embarrassing load of old shitty bollocks that was. I see that the retail sector are seemingly so fucking desperate for cash, "extended" Cack Friday to cover the entire weekend, and are now following that up with pissing Cyber Monday today! Have they no fucking shame at all? No is clearly the answer to that one. I'm surprised that we didn't have last Thursday off for ThanksfuckingGiving as well. What else can we import from the pissing states? We've already got Trick or Bastard Treat night, High School Proms and all that shite. I blame Hannah Montana and all the other bollocks that the kids watch on telly these days, the lazy fucking work-shy bastards. If they want to be American so fucking much they should try pissing off over there to live. They can't even spell properly any way, so fuck off over there where nobody will even notice. Cnuts!

My canine cup runneth over. Not only is there "a new bitch in town" but me Dad came home from work with a parcel for me last night! Me bezzie mates, Thomas Bell of Brigg, the country's leading fertiliser importers, have sent me a doggie advent calendar! I've never had one of those before, so I'm not really sure what to do with it. I think that maybe there's a selection of little doggie treats in there, this is obviously my December 1st calendar, so I assume that the Dec 2-24 calendars will arrive one by one as the special day draws ever nearer. I'm so excited, I'm shaking like a shitting greyhound. They also sent me a proper calendar for me bedroom wall, and bugger me rigid, what's on the front page but a picture of Staithes, up the coast from Whitby. And where am I going for Christmas? Yup, I'm taking the humans to Staithes. I'll be warming me Dad's hands by doing my festive dump on that very beach on the big day. Gives you a warm glow...

Wooohoooo, guess who's moved in 3 doors up? Trixie the 9 week old Border Terrier! OK, 9 weeks is a bit young for erm, you know what. I mean I'm not that bloke out of the LostProphets or anything. I intend to do the decent thing and leave that sort of malarkey until she's about 6 months or so. For now though we can still proceed with her "training" - in much the same way that me Dad trains me Mum. She's already been to the vets for eating shite apparently. The pup that is, not me Mum. Her cooking isn't THAT bad. Big mistake just diving in and eating shite. Never just go straight in and fill your boots, when you can roll in it first and then eat it. The first thing they teach you in Border Terrier Club that is. Also she will need some instruction on how to play stick. Run after the thing and fetch it by all means, just don't bring the fucker back or they'll only throw it again for you. What's the fucking point of that? You've fetched it, so i...

And the BB Bastard C, why don't you just put a sign up at the back of the fucking Match Of The Twatting Day studios that says "Everton supporters go to bed now"??  "Well that last match was so shite, imagine now poor this next (and last) one is going to be? It's got nil bastard fucking twatting nil written all over the fucker this one. I feel so fucking bastard sorry for the fuckers that have avoided the fucking result all bastard day in the vain hope that their team has won that I'm going to tell it to the sad fucking twats now and completely urinate on their chips. I'm fucking so bastard glad that I never played for the Toffees, if I had I'd have completely erased it from my (admittedly limited) memory banks. I played for Barcelona you know." The jug eared twat.

Always wears sunglasses because he's got glaucoma, he tells us. That explains why he still hasn't found what he's looking for then doesn't it? In other news, Sheffield United have announced that they are to offer Oscar Pistorious a contract when he gets out. Michael McIntyre apparently stormed off stage in a full blown hissy fit because a woman on the front row wouldn't get off her mobile phone. Which is a bit harsh, as she was only trying to find out what time the comedian came on. Bored bastard shitless I am and it's 5 fucking hours to tea time yet as well. Overheard me Mum and Dad talking about getting another dog yesterday. The fucking cheek of it, am I not good enough for them? I hope it's not a puppy, I'm no Rolf Harris. Talking of which, what do you call a bus full of child molesters? The Radio One Roadshow. I just made that one up. Here's another. Knock, knock. Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock, knock. Repeat 19 times. I told you I was b...

The East of England Ambulance service have apologised for leaving a dead body outside their station  in Ely next to some dustbins overnight, according to a report on the BBC website! Which reminds me of me Dad's story of how he got so fed up with his first wife that he drowned her, chopped her up into little pieces in the bath and put her into bin bags and left her out for the binmen to take. He was understandably a little bit nervous on "bin day" when there was a knock on the door. "I'm sorry mate we can't take one of your bags," the binman said. "Erm, why not?" asked me Dad, all coy like. "The arse is hanging out of it," came the reply. Do you ever wonder if he makes these stories up? I do. A talking binman FFS!