Goes into B&Q and says "the missus keeps going on about this bloody Fifty Shades of Grey film, have you got any rope and duct tape?" The guy behind the counter says "sorry mate, we've had a bit of a run on them since that came out, we're completely sold out." The bloke says "OK then, give us a chain saw and some bin bags." Woof. Fucking cold today isn't it? That pavement's fucking freezing you know. It's all right for you lot with yer fucking shoes on. You fucking pansies. My little paws are frozen solid. Still, it's nice and warm and snuggly on me bed. A fucking king sized double that's what I've got, with me own special blanket on it as well. Me Mum and Dad say that they put that on there to keep the winnets off the duvet. The cheeky buggers. Winnets. Noun. The semi solidified pieces of faeceal matter encrusted to the hairs around a dog's ring piece. syn. Bum crumbs, Klingons.

The world of light entertainment has been rocked today by Lenny Henry's shock confession that he is a completely talentless twat. "Lenny felt that he was unable to hide this terrible truth from the public any longer," said his agent. The startling revelation sent shock waves around the BBC and ITV that other similarly talentless wankers might also break strict Equity rules and 'fess up that they are afflicted with the same tragic condition. Recent Mintel research suggests that as many as 2 in 5 celebrities could be secretly concealing a total lack of ability to do or say anything half fucking sensible. Holding back tears "a day comes when you can't just say 'Katanga' in a stupid voice and get away with it any longer, and that day is here today," Henry told reporters outside his London home. Dawn French was unavailable for comment.

I'm bloody sick of it. Said the Malaysian shark! Woof. Sarah Ferguson says that Prince Andrew is "a great man". And she can arrange for you to meet him for only 50 grand. Stephen Fry is getting married I see. I'm glad he's finally found the right girl. I always though he was a bender. Knock, knock. Who's there. Deja. Deja who? Knock, knock......

This Prince Andrew thing. What's the betting that it's only a matter of time before this Virginia Roberts has an "accident" in a tunnel and Elton John is re-releasing Candle in the Wind for her? Prince Philip says "I'm standing behind him, as long as he hasn't done it with any darkies, I don't see what the problem is." Sarah Ferguson say's that she's giving Andrew her full support. Which is a bit like Katie Price backing Ched Evans really isn't it? Woof.

People who drive around town in cabriolet cars with the fucking roof down in the middle of winter when there's frigging frost on the ground. Are they a) taking it to the garage to be repaired because the roof is stuck in down mode, that's why they are wearing scarves and hats etc, I mean they'd have to be a complete wanker otherwise wouldn't they? or b) complete wankers?

Well, for once the tight fuckers took me with them to a cottage by the sea. Went walkies on the beach every day, fucking freezing it was. The tight bastards. They kept chucking a stick in the bastard North Sea for me to go and fetch. The North Fucking Sea. In bastard December. There were some complete wankers all dressed up in black in there already too (I think they must have been The Muslim Womens Ironing Board Formation Swimming Team or something). So I wasn't in there on me own, freeing my little bollocks off I was. No sooner had I got meself dry by the fire then they were dragging me back out again. The heartless twats. I'd have got more rest in Stalag 45, or the kennels as they call it. Got to go to the pub on Christmas Day. Fucking packed it was. Biscuits, that's all I got for me Christmas Dinner. Fucking bastard biscuits. No chance of a fucking pig in a blanket for me. No siree. Bastard dry buggering biscuits. Not even a fucking splash of gravy, nor kiss my arse. Dr...

I hate the fucking thing. Me Dad does too. He was doing his swede in yesterday trying to order his little granddaughter a present online. The whole sorry episode went something like this: The only place he could find what she wanted was on a website he'd never used before, so had to set up a new account, what's your mother's maiden name and all that shite. He went through the order process, got to the last hurdle, put his card number in and hit "confirm order" and it went through to a Lloyds Bank Clicksafe is authorising your transaction thing and then stuck there for about 20 mins. There was a "request online chat" button. He hit that. "You are in a queue, a representative will be with you in approximately 16 minutes..." 16 mins later, Hi, I'm Jessica, how can I help? He explains the situation to Jessica. He doesn't know if the order has gone through or not. "Hang on I will check your account....sorry Mr Norris I can see the accou...