Me Dad's just finished making his first ever batch of homebrew. He says it slips down nice and easy. So he's calling it Steven Gerrard. Woof. Jurgen Klopp has ruled himself of the Manchester United job, but says that his brother Klipperty might be interested. Woof. That's about it. Shows you what a fucking exciting weekend I've had doesn't it?

Me Dad says his dander was well and truly got this morning after he saw a news story mentioned on Twitter that caught his eye. "EU wheat crops 2014 expects 2% rise compared to 2013" was the headline. Link here (if you can't see/click on the link it's all to do with HTML 5, so you can copy and paste this into your browser window: http://agri.eu/eu-wheat-crops-2014-expects-2-rise-compared-to-2013-news5707.html). Was there anything in the story that he didn't know already, he wondered? Alas there was NOTHING in there that he didn't know already, seeing as he wrote the fucking bastard thing himself just yesterday! To top off the whole thing the fucking dirty robbing Johnny Foreigner plagiarist stink monkeys have gone and stuck a fucking copyright notice at the foot of it! They come over here, stealing our market reports...If I had a vote, I'd be voting Nigel Farage after this.

Let down badly by me Mum and Dad as usual, fuck all sign of anything chocolately. The day was however well and truly saved by me old reliable muckers, Thomas Bell & Sons of Brigg, the country's premier fertiliser suppliers, who very kindly sent me a box of pigs ears to keep me from wasting away. Other than that there was fuck all of any significance to report. David Moyes is getting an extra long Easter break, I see. Ryan Giggs has been put in charge of United's "affairs" until the end of the season, as he's a bit of an expert in that particular department. Giggs told Sky Sports that he was delighted to be able to follow in the footsteps of his all-time hero Tommy Docherty. The interviewer said "surely you mean Sir Alex Ferguson?" Giggs replied "Why? Was he knobbing the physio's wife as well?" Woof.

Got taken to the beach on Friday for game of stick. For the uninitiated, stick involves them throwing a stick into the sea, and me running in and retrieving it. Fucking freezing cold the bastard North Sea is at this time of year. In and out, in and fucking out, soaked wet through, covered in fucking sand I was. The tight bastards. I think they're losing it, seriously. Why on fucking earth would they assume that the first time I bring them back their fucking stick, that I want them to promptly chuck it back in again? It has no logic, look here's your fucking stick, keep hold of it this time will ya? But no, straight back in the fucking North Sea it goes, with me expected to go and get the fucker back. Still, at least afterwards we did pay a visit to Mrs Sausage as they call her, for an al fresco breakfast and a cup of tea. When we got back we watched Pointless Celebrities, have you seen that? Basically it consists of lots of old people who used to be famous, having one last shot...

...a farmer's dog, a robber's dog and a banker's dog are walking past a butcher's shop, The banker's dog says "I know, I've got a really good idea, why don't we club together and see how much money we've got. If we've got enough, let's go in there and buy that piece of meat." The robber's dog says "Nah, bollocks to that, let's just go in there and steal that piece of meat." The farmer's dog says "no, why don't we just hang around outside the door, howling and whining, and maybe they'll give it to us?" Woof.

For this dish you need half a pound of Labrador shit (ignore what Nigella says, Labrador shit is best for this recipe, and you can find it in the chiller at Asda these days if you don't fancy foraging for your own) and some Choux pastry (you can make it yourself if you can be arsed) and a pint of double cream. Lightly grease a large baking sheet and put bits of rolled into a ball shaped proshiteroles on it and pop them into a medium oven for about ten minutes. Meanwhile, gently melt the Labrador shit in a bowl placed over a pan of simmering water. Gently is the watchword here, you don't want to go at it like a bull in a China shop or the shit will curdle and split. Keep stirring the shit until it's all melted. (If you're a student then you can skip this bit and simply place your shit on a microwavable plate and ding it on high for around 4 minutes). It won't taste as good, but as you're a student you will neither care nor realise that this is the case. Leave you...

I often get asked about my favourite foods, and if I could pass on some of my culinary expertise onto you, my adoring public. So here goes, in the first of what I hope will be a regular series, is my Recipe D'Jour, something that you could maybe cook at home for your loved one this evening. Today we are going to start with a firm favourite of mine, Dog Shit Ravioli. Take about a pound of dog shit (avoid the white  stuff it's too dry for this dish) and shallow fry it with some chopped shallots, garlic and fresh oregano. Roll out some ravioli pastry, quite thin. Make little parcelly things out of the pastry and dog shit. Place in a large pan of boiling water for 5 minutes. Garnish with truffle oil. Enjoy. Tomorrow: Dog Cack Au Vin. Woof